Alone, But Not Lonely

I’m not lonely, but I’m often alone. Most of this is by the nature of being single. My friends aren’t mean enough to tell me that I should just get a girlfriend and quit my bitching, but some have alluded to the fact that perhaps it would serve me better to at least be in the pursuit of a relationship.

I’ve met girls here and there through work or through mutual friends since my last relationship, which was 3 years ago. I met one girl that was cute, but too ditzy. I met another girl who had great personality, but wasn’t that physically attractive to me. Another one was cute and had great personality, but we didn’t have any chemistry.

Time goes by quickly at work and the days are repetitive. I don’t really see myself meeting too many quality single girls in the future. They seem to either be taken, not within my vicinity, or maybe I’m just setting the standard too high. I think about investing in a Match.com account, but I’m too cheap. Maybe I don’t have a girlfriend because I’m not willing to pay my dues.

I start to feel lonely even though I have thoroughly brainwashed myself into believing that I’m not lonely. I’m not sure whether or not I am lonely anymore, and I am confused, both by myself and women.

I think back to the girls I met from the past, back when my social life was more alive. Oh my God I was such a dumbass, I think to myself. There were so many whiffs, so many missed opportunities. I tell myself things like: that girl that rested her head on your shoulder, that was totally a sign! That other girl that took you to meet her parents, she was interested! That girl that wanted to stay over for no good reason, why didn’t you make a move!? Stupid. Why was I so stupid.

All of these girls from the past seemed so much more dateable than the ones I’ve been encountering lately. I can’t tell if this is because I’m just bitter about my stupidity or if it’s actually more difficult to meet people in the later 20’s as opposed to the early 20’s.

I think back to those girls again. One was cute, great personality, good fit. Another one was smart, great conversations, huge potential. Some were MARRIAGE MATERIAL.

I start to have mental images about me being with one of these girls that got away. I can see us holding hands, walking on the beach with our toes in the sand, listening to Justin Timberlake. I can hear her laughing at my unfunny jokes because she found them funny for some stupid reason that made loving sense to both of us. I would spend days poring over recipe books trying to make parmesan chicken for her even though I sucked at cooking because she was worth cooking for. I would have put her on my shoulders on Coachella. The clam chowder from Pike’s Place in Seattle would have tasted much better with her. I would have done all of these things with one of these girls that got away.

But of course, none of it happened, and none of it is coming back.

As I sit by myself, eating take out by myself, watching The Office by myself, I don’t feel lonely while being alone, I keep telling myself. But the mental images keep flickering in my mind. And I stop to think to myself…was I in love with that girl or am I merely in love with the idea of being in love?

Again, I am confused, and I consider signing up for Match.com so that at least I could solve the Rubik’s cube in my head. Alone.