I’m Done Being The Girl Who Is Your ‘Place Holder’ When You Get Lonely

I am the girl your new ex-boyfriend texts the night of your breakup. I am the girl he can always count on to be single. I am the girl he can always depend on to text him back when you won’t. I am the girl whose feet bounce off the ground when I see that little red message waiting in my inbox… And I am the girl who is not surprised when he stops responding three days later.

I am the girl you’ll ask for relationship advice from when you flirted with me the night before.

I am the girl who you can always count on to distract you through the duration of your momentary loneliness.

I am the girl you only befriend with one purpose in your narrow mind, then drop me like your douchey, single strap backpack when I tell you, “No.”

I am the girl you text once a year, hoping that if you submit a return to me this season, you’ll receive some sort of refund.

“Maybe someday we can be together,” they all say.

“I like to think of you as a friend… a very sexy friend.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m a bad guy.”

“That’s my girl.”

“Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately. My girlfriend and I got back together.”

Since the first day I stepped into a public high school I have been deemed the “place holder.”

The “filler.” The “second choice.” Just another option…

I am the girl who doesn’t expect roses on Valentine’s Day. I am the girl who will never meet your parents. I am the girl who you call “babe”, yet we’re not a “thing” (as you like to call it).

I am the girl who dissolves into a ghost when your girlfriend finally forgives you.

“But, I’m really a nice guy.”

To you, I am a “temporary girlfriend” but what you are to me— you are another tab in my “binder-of-boys”. Just another Cnidaria, an entire phylum of spineless, brainless jellyfish.

I would compare you to Sea Nettle, luring in little minnows with your electric grip to consume

But that would be offensive to the jellies.

So here’s my message to the boys in my binder:

I am the girl who you can always depend on to text back because I know the pain that eats at your chest when you feel unwanted. I am the girl who will always text back because my loneliness feels like a sentence for my past transgressions. I am the girl who craves affection just as much as you refuse to admit it. I am the Cherie, the Sugar, the Pola, the Lorelei, the Norma Jean… The Marilyn Monroe.

However, I am the girl you can always count on to be single because most guys my age are just like you. I am the girl you can always count on to be single because I refuse to put my dreams on the back-burner whenever you get hungry. I am the girl who is kind and empathetic and should never be mistaken for weak and ignorant. I am the girl who will always be single because I deserve to be someone’s priority rather than their option.

I am the girl who will no longer be your “place holder”.