Let’s Talk About How Awkward The First Time Getting A Brazilian Wax Is

At 21 years old a “Brazilian Wax” was still sort of taboo for me. I remember hearing of a couple of my friends getting them before prom in high school and thinking, “wow, that’s SO… sexual.” LOL. I was an idiot. There is NOTHING sexual about a Brazilian wax. Unless you prefer torture in the sack.

I had just moved to Chicago and had just started dating a new guy and was feeling like a hip girl in the city and decided to attempt my first Brazilian. My roommate had warned me that they hurt but they were definitely worth the not having to shave 2-3 times a week. (2-3 times a week, LOL, ya right.)

Here was my first and biggest mistake; I purchased my wax through Groupon. HEH. Not saying that Groupon does a bad job or anything buuuuut for my first Brazilian I maybe should have splurged the extra 30 or 40 bucks. It would have been nice to walk into one of those fancy, relaxing salons with pictures of those sexy girls holding flowers in front of their hoohaas or something.

Instead, I walked into a poorly lit nail salon in the back of a strip mall next to a place called “Nice Guy Bail Bonds.”

A tiny Asian woman came to greet me and led me into a even more poorly lit room and asked me to take everything off from the waist down. I waited for her to leave (MY ROOMMATE SAID THEY WOULD LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES)… but she didn’t. And I get it, I get it, they’re gonna see everything anyway…but what she wouldn’t have had to see was me attempt to hop up onto a tiny, cold, metal table like a beached whale with nothing on but my high school show choir t-shirt.

She starts with my inner thigh. She spreads the hot wax on, lays the paper on, presses down and says, “1, 2, 3, READY, WE GO NOW!” And rips it off. I was so startled by the chant that I didn’t really notice the pain. I quickly realize that she is going to continue with this chant for every patch of hair she rips off, no matter how big or how small. Luckily, the inner thigh is not that painful and I’m trying so hard not to laugh that I think this is all going SUPER WELL. Then she gets the area around my pubic bone.

I think I blacked out for a second. Like I’ve never felt a pain where I simultaneously lost my sight but also could see everything so clearly. I let out a sound that probably could only be heard by dogs and maybe other women who’ve had their pubic bone waxed for the first time. I told her I needed to wait a second… I sat up and put my hair back because I was now DRENCHED in sweat. I told myself that it was probably just the first one that hurts the worst. Right?!? And I also told myself that I am a woman. My body is made to be able to birth children. I can do this.

I finally tell her that I am ready and the totally fucked up part is that now SHE is starting to look nervous. WHAT? She says she probably should have trimmed my hair before. WHAT?! My roommate and google did not say anything about how SHORT your hair needed to be. They all talked about how long you needed to grow it out. Jesus.

So she’s getting all up in there and laying the wax down for what feels like FOREVER and I’m trying to remember if I read anywhere that you could die from getting waxed. And now I feel my eyes welling up with tears. Tears of fear, tears of hope…

She lays the paper down. And not seeming so sure of herself this time, she shouts, “1, 2, 3, READY, WE GO NOW?” Followed immediately by a “EUREKA!!!!!!!”

I can’t tell you how humbling it is to have someone shout “Eureka” when pulling out your pubic hair. She shows me the strip, beaming with pride, and it actually looks like a small gerbil. At this point I’m realizing this is not the sexy, self pampering event I romanticized this out to be and I want the fuck out.

I’m telling her to go as fast as she can and I’m trying to breathe through it as she continues down into my most intimate parts. I give zero fucks how in there she has to be, I just want this done. By the end of it, I am literally helping her rip off the wax. We are chanting together now, “1, 2, 3, READY, WE GO NOW!” She finally finishes the last strip and says, “we are finished now.”

I start crying.

I genuinely feel like I did just give birth to my first child. I’m proud, I’m relieved, I’m shocked that I’m still alive. She shows me a mirror (FUN!) and I’m completely expecting to see a 5 star flawless vagina that you only see in those well made pornos with decent story lines. But what I see instead resembles a plucked chicken. I’m red, irritated, swollen… but completely hairless.

I start crying again.

I feel like I want to hug this poor lady for what we both just went through but she looks like she wants nothing to do with me ever again and I can’t blame her. She leaves the room this time as I get dressed because I can only assume it’s because she’s worried I’ll start crying again. As I leave, I hand the lady a 20 for a tip and we both kind of nod at each other knowing she probably deserves more. I never saw her again.

Okay okay, I must admit, since this whole ordeal, I have become a total expert at waxes. BUT IT TOOK A LONG TIME. Now I go to the overpriced salons with the fancy candles and decor and I giggle with the lady who waxes me about my weekend brunch plans. I’ve come a long way since my first Brazilian and all I can say to girls out there that have also had a horrifying experience is… it gets better. Don’t give up! You can do this! And to all those inexperienced waxers in uncertified nail salons waxing these poor first timers for way too little money… thank you for your service. We will never forget you.