I’ve Hurt Myself By Holding On To Your Memory For Too Long

Convincing myself that I no longer love you has proven to be impossible. I think not being able to let you go completely is part of the reason why my happiness has become scarce. I can’t blame you for it. I have refused to move on because I’d have to admit to myself that you no longer love me, that you and I could never go back to how we were, and I’d have to force myself to grow out of you in a way that my heart isn’t prepared for.

Part of what makes letting go of you so painful is the thought of losing who I was when I was with you. You made me happier, more optimistic. I was alive for a change. I lived every second with complete satisfaction. Even when we fought, I felt grateful that I had something worth fighting for.

You were worth it all. Even now that we’re no longer together, I know this.

You ended things softly, and that’s another reason that I can’t get myself to release you from my grasp. I constantly give myself hope that maybe you’ll realize this was all a mistake. It’s become more evident to me that this is not likely.

I see pictures of us and instant flashbacks invade my mind, clouding the voice in my head, saying that holding on to you can be dangerous. I’m aware, yet not strong enough to stop your laugh from echoing inside me.

I see your ghost taking a shower and the faint sound of you whistling. My heart jumps out of my chest and I feel the ache of your absence.

You walking out hurts less than this endless breaking of my own heart. The endless hope and faith in the unrealistic thought that you still love me in the way I love you. I want to let you go. I want to move on. I want to stop thinking about you constantly, but the thought of you clings to me like the smell of your cologne still lingers in the apartment.

You left because you longer felt like you needed me. I was a choice you didn’t want to wake up every morning and make, and that’s okay. That’s life. I have sat here for days, holding on to your memory and breaking my own heart. I am my own reason for hurting so much, and I know the ache won’t go away until I move on.