Ari Eastman

I can’t tell if these butterflies are from excitement or stomach upset.

Oh, hello middle-aged man I’ve never met before, please hold my hand and parade me around the stage while you sing looking directly into my eyes. This isn’t weird at all.

“I bet you had to wiggle up and down just to zip them up?” You know my daily ritual, Chingy.

The always wonderful Jimmy Fallon recently had British super-stud Benedict Cumberbatch on his show and played a game that just…went off somewhere neither really anticipated. Watch all the awkward, hilarity here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiVP5q1mXvw If you don’t already know Awkwafina, NOW YA KNOW. But a quick word of warning before diving into the rest of her videos, have your doc on speed dial because your spleen might spontaneously explode from laughter.

You have an automatic wingman.

“Oh my god, it must be SO awesome having such a cool sister!”

Trust that she already knows stuff about your romantic history. She’s never going to admit it though, so instead, her best friend will just come over and they’ll lurk and check out photos from 2009.

I’m testing the waters right now. I’m not sure how you feel about me, so if I throw in an “lol” maybe it will off-set the super vulnerable moment I just had.

She knows if you’re having a bad day, even before you do. She’s already figured it out from that weird smirk thing you keep doing.

You will ask questions you ALREADY know the answers to. You just will.

You are blinded if you ever leave your cave during the daytime. WHAT IS THAT ORANGE THING IN THE SKY?!? SO. BRIGHT. OUTSIDE. MY EYES, THEY BUUUURN.

It’s 1:30 am and we are standing outside 7-Eleven, soaking and shaking from a sudden downpour in Los Angeles.

Ew. feelings. Disgusting.

If you are single, you’ll do a little recon on all of your exes. You’ll sleep better if they look worse.

I didn’t lie to my mom. I didn’t lie to my friends. I didn’t lie to myself.

I won’t be his emotional pillow. His selfish comfort. I am placeholder. I am temptation, something to ease the lonely. I am a girl he never wanted to begin with.

Everything is going to hurt. Everything.