Ari Eastman

“Is it too late for Hagrid to show up and tell me I’m a wizard? Because really feeling like Hogwarts for grad school is a viable option.”

Someone has started placing sandbags on your eyeballs, and it is taking EVERYTHING in your power to fight and keep those suckers open.

This is not what I need today. I am already too busy drowning in your ghost. There is no room for other disasters.

“We fell asleep watching a marathon of Ancient Aliens and I woke up first and just looked at her in my arms and truly thought this will forever beat Vegas.”

They released this PERFECT video that could warm even the iciest heart. Feel all the feels with me.

You’re in an hour and a half long line at Disneyland.

“You weren’t my first choice tonight, but I guess that’s life, right?”

You’ve got a few options: become 16 again, drive to a secluded cul-de-sac, and love on each other in the car. OR, risk the awkwardness of bringing them to your room and having a parental unit see.

I ask em who is it? They say room service. Gimme one minute, she gettin’ a womb service.

Don’t think he hasn’t practiced this a thousand times on dozens of others. Kiss him back. But don’t kiss him all the way.

You watch the real time digital map of the plane like a hawk, just in case they end up going the wrong way.

It is a struggle that I have still not ever found the proper words to explain, the way it feels to walk around with skin covering a black hole inside.

He’s originally from Australia, but only in your zip code for the next 48 hours, so he says it is imperative you meet ASAP.

This looks so beyond epic that I’m tempted to say “I can’t even,” and Chris Pratt is a total babe.

My roommates were finally like, “We’re glad you’ve stopped playing ‘Landslide’ in the dark, but dude, you’re kinda scaring us.”

But if you are with someone because you feel like they need to be fixed, back away. It’s like picking up broken glass and then being shocked that you cut your fingers.

I thought the softness could save me. The softness became my addiction, thinking this mess actually made me some cool, vaguely nymphomaniac-like girlfriend.

And if you’re awkward like I am, you dance butt naked around your room to “Shake It Off” and shake, like…way too much.