Thoughts I Had While Discovering I Was Gay

All my life I have dreamed of having the perfect life. The perfect husband, the perfect child, the perfect job; isn’t it what we all want? Ending up in a happy family and financial security so we can take our annual beach vacation? This is definitely what I want. But what happens to those who do not find the right partner? Or those who are unable to reach the things they always dreamed of having?  What happens if life doesn’t go the way we planned it to go?

I always hated the nature of dating. Everything is so predictable. A guy likes you, you go on a couple of dates to repeat your life story which you have told a million times already. Then, at some point you agree to watch a movie together, this is when you take the first step or even the second step already. It goes on until someone decides to love the other person or not. To me, there is nothing romantic about it and I grew annoyed by it quickly, mostly because I didn’t like the guys anyways. At least not like that.

I recently discovered I was gay (by the way, I hate the word “lesbian”, so let’s stick with “gay”). Discovered may be the wrong word since my subconscious probably knew all along but it just didn’t find a way to tell me. Also, I suspected something like this but I was waiting for the “confusion” everyone was talking about. I wasn’t confused. I liked guys and I liked my female friends. The thing was that I might have liked some of my female friends too much which didn’t bother me since I also like guys and that was the way it’s supped to be. No big deal.

Confusion started when I finally came out of the closet to myself. Yes, I was sexually aroused by women. Not what I planned but I will have to deal with it. However, how do you know for sure if you are gay or bi if you have no experience with a same sex partner? I was certainly not yet in the stage of telling people about my new discovery and how do you meet gay people anyways? They don’t walk around wearing name-tags reading “gay”. Going to a gay bar wasn’t an option for since I didn’t want to go alone and what if I accidentally ran into somebody I know?

So welcome to my dilemma.

Generally, the fact being gay didn’t bother me too much. Yes, it will be hard to tell my family but they are quite open to these kinds of things so they will get used to it. What bothered me most was that I will never be able to have a baby. In my opinion conceiving a child is the most precious and magical experience in the world. I would give anything to have this. Just creating another person, another soul is so remarkable to me that I just can’t miss out on it. I know there are other options but it’s not the same. Being gay means never having this experience on my own. Never letting a person grow inside my belly that I created with somebody I love.

There is this evolutionary theory that states that gay people are evolutionary important because they firstly, work as a natural means of contraception to keep the world population from growing into infinity (not insulting at all) and secondly, gay people warmhearted people that are willing to adopt other people’s children and raise them as their own. So, apparently according to evolution I am not meant to create a human being which is a fact that hurts so immensely that I would rather give up being gay and find the one man in the world with whom I may eventually fall in love with. I know I said I was probably bi but I think it’s more of a 1:4 relation, so my chances of finding a male partner are close to zero.

Another thing is that it seems like everyone I like is straight. All girls I later categorized as my crushes were straight. So what do you do if you like someone but you know that you will be rejected anyways? It seems hopeless. No matter who I am falling in love with will ultimately reject me. Then I find myself in the situation all friend-zoned people find themselves in: Do I risk our amazing friendship to count on the very slim chance that the person will love me back? Because there are only two options: Getting a no for an answer will change your relationship and you will never be able to go back but saying nothing will probably hurt just as much because you see the person living his or her life happily ever after and you have to watch being feeling like you’re handcuffed since you can’t become more involved because the person doesn’t know.

So besides all the downsides of being gay, it is extremely liberating to finally be able to be true to myself and let myself love whomever I want to love. It’s such a great feeling that I don’t ever want to go back to being “normal” again. I may not live the fairytale life I have imagined for myself but I will eventually find love within confusion. That I am sure of.