We Would Have Never Been Happy

We would have never been happy. You are too stubborn and I am too proud. For either of us to bend our will to the other would have been to admit defeat and neither of us has ever been able to lose gracefully. We have both moved on to good relationships that fit us better than ours ever would have and I honestly believe it was for the best. The destruction we would have done to each other would have been devastating.

I have moved on and am happy, but I still occasionally think about you. I wonder if you ever think about me and feel like you may have missed out on something special. For years now I have imagined you telling me exactly how you felt after I stopped answering your text messages. Did you feel cheated or hurt by my decision? Were you ever jealous or envious of your friend? Was your ego bruised when I chose him in the end? I know that I will never get these answers and that’s what eats at me some nights.

I am fine with the way things are now, but it’s the loose ends that have me wondering and asking “what if”. Even if you were to tell me that I meant nothing to you and we were nothing more than casual sex, at least I would have some sort of closure. Do you feel the tension I do when we get together with friends? I wonder if it is obvious to everyone else that I avoid eye contact when we speak because even when our eyes meet for even a brief moment my heart skips and sinks.

Some days I want to send you a text asking for answers, demanding you to open up and just let me in on what’s going on behind those blue eyes. Just tell me that I have over exaggerated everything as I most probably have. It’s a bad habit of mine to make mountains out of mole hills. Sometimes I think that every feeling I have ever had was something I made up fill the empty space of your absent feelings. Had I been shouting into a void and imagining my echoes were answers?

Despite my avid interest in knowing if that smirk you direct toward me is your way of saying you think of me too, I will never ask and you will never tell. To admit now that I still think about you would give you the upper hand and I would rather be on even ground. These unanswered questions are the scars you’ve left behind and I can only hope they will fade away with time.