I Don’t Feel Anything When We Have Sex Anymore

You took me last night. You took me the same way you did a hundred times before. Yet I wanted to scream and tell you not to ever touch me. I felt empty and old. I felt nothing, not a single thing. There was nothing when I felt your warm touch. There was nothing when your hand slipped down my body, when I felt how hard you were. There was still nothing when you went down on me and when I finally felt you inside me.

I was glad that it was too dark for you to see my face, otherwise you would have known. I was glad that you took me from behind, in our favorite position, so I could bury my face in the blanket and not worry about what you can read from my face. I was glad it was over before I lost control, otherwise I would have pushed you away.

We fell asleep next to each other, just like we did for many nights before. You hugged me for a short minute, but you must have felt the cold in my heart, so you turned away.

I look at you and somehow just don’t see a man I used to love. Maybe he was never there. Maybe it was always just you, and it was my love for you that made me see someone different. It kills me because I know you are finally trying – to appreciate me, to be a better person, to make up for the mistakes you made. Yet I wake up empty and I fall asleep empty, the feelings are gone. When it’s bad, I feel annoyed by your presence, I feel like someone took my heart out and tries to squeeze the life out of it. When it’s good, I feel indifferent.

How did we come here? All my tears and all your words that punched little holes in my heart. Our broken promises to each other. Our inability to deal with the mess we’ve made. Whatever it is, it broke us, for good.

I can’t work up the courage to tell you that it’s over. When did I become this scared? Every morning I tell myself that it has to be today. Every night I fall asleep thinking that it has to be tomorrow. I feel guilty and I can’t make myself hurt you that bad. That’s what brings the tears to my eyes – that I will hurt you. Makes me feel that maybe we’re not done yet, but just for a second, before the emptiness takes over.

You took me. I don’t know when and how it happened. You took me and you lost me, so now I’m an empty shell, a shadow of a person I used to be. You took me, but now I want me back. So I’ll tell you tonight. I’ll watch you take off the ring I once put on your finger, probably I’ll cry. We’ll do the paperwork. You’ll move out. I will never see you again. It will take long months of emptiness and loneliness, but I will find myself.

We’ll be better people without each other.