Nikola Tesla Was A Woman

Okay, so like this piece is not only about Nikola Tesla, who lots of people like for some weird reason, but like about the Patriarchal oppression of women inventors in general, too.

For millions of years, the machismo act of inventing stuff has been celebrated fiercely by society. It began sometime like millions of years ago, when some white cis cave dudebro accidentally stumbled on a rock and somehow made a wheel out of a tree trunk or something. I’m sure his name was Boner and he was probably a raging misogynist, even by the standard of those Ye Olde times. Proud, he beat his chest and called over the other oppressors, who were busy dragging strong—but sadly, at this stage in herstory, dependent—cave-womyn (I’m sure some were of color) by the hair and calling their sons weird for being gay.

They came over and sighed with relief seeing that that the wheel had finally been invented, and so the frat “Alpha Boys Club of Inventors” was founded. They wrote “NO WOMEN ALLOWED” on the entrance of their cave, but not in the American language or whatever, cuz Shake-a-spear, the cave’s bro scribe, hadn’t invented that yet. Fierce, bubbly, and strong Women in their 20s, who were probably inventing interesting things such as electricity, gravity, and even hoverboards like in Spielberg’s Back From the Future all day, were, upon trying to show their invention to the Alpha Boys, dismissed and called “stupid broads.”

Today, inventions are applauded around the world simply because the Patriarchy tells us all that it is male inventors who invented these inventions. Do you think the invention called the Internet would have taken off if the Patriarchy had told us a woman had invented it? Hint: No. People would say things like, “Women are stupid, this invention is dumb, I don’t need it, I’ll just download my music from the record store because this is the good old days.” That’s what the Patriarchy tells us to think about women.

But what is to say that it is in fact men who invented these inventions? What is to say this isn’t just an inventive cover-up invented in a place called Boulder on the wild Colorado, in the Boardrooms of the Patriarchy’s HQs? What is to say that most inventions aren’t in fact invented by women? Doesn’t the name Nikola Tesla sound suspiciously much like Nikole Tesla, a strong and intelligent woman in her 20s who probably lived at that time, too? The heap of questions pile up and are too hard for someone with an incisive mind like mine to ignore. Guess what, Patriarchy? Your misogynist conspiracy is about to be called out. Anne Gus is on the case.

This theory sparked within me when I was sitting at Starbucks having this totally delish frappuccino with coconut water. (I know, it’s totally gross, but it makes my skin like so radiant.) I was supposed to be writing a piece on the underrepresentation of women of color on the TV show Ice Road Truckers for school, but I was totally browsing Jezebel instead, feeling very empowered. Then, suddenly, my empowerment took a hit as this very problematic ad, from some stupid sensationalist site just trying to get hits, popped up saying, “What happened to this dog after it ate a hot dog will shock you…” with a picture of a stupid fat dog in St. Patty’s clothes. I couldn’t help but click it, and from there on I clicked on another article, and another, and so I had unwittingly embarked on a click-a-thon.

Anyways, about four hours later I landed on a page with pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio’s original notebooks, you know with like the man with six arms and the weird-looking airplane or whatever. At first I was like, wow, these are so well-preserved for being from like, the 15th century before the Christ, but then, suddenly, something else struck me as very strange—the handwriting. I hadn’t seen that fabulous handwriting since, well, the last time I saw a woman’s handwriting. I looked at my cup and the words “Fuck U Anne” were scrawled across the cup (the barista was a little Asian lady), but the fact remained, her handwriting was beautiful. Like all women’s.

“Leonardo Dicaprio? Doesn’t that name look very much like Leonora Dicaprio?” I thought to myself. And then it hit me—the Mona Lisa, the very mysterious painting of a woman that (s)he painted—was it possible that this was in fact, the world’s first selfie? OMG, now I totally had proof of my suspicions that most inventors were women acting under a male pseudonym.

I yelled SHANIQUA! like really loud cuz I had a total Shaniqua moment, and this black chick shouted at me from the other side of the room, “How you know my name, bitch?” She came over and was all, “I axed u a question, we gonna do this? Oh, we’re so doing this right now.”

#Rude, but not wanting to offend a minority, I ran out of the store and back to my apartment, where I frantically started doing research on inventors. #thirstyforknowledge #intellectualgirl

I found more evidence than I could ever had dreamed of to support my theory: Johanna Gutenberg, the Wright Sisters, Benjamina Franklin, and Henrietta Ford. The photographs and paintings online, all with an inkwell filter (ewww wth? #valenciagirl) that were said to be portraits of the inventors were but pics of board members of the Patriarchy trying to take credit for these women’s ingenious toil. It ALL made sense now. How could I, like, have been so foolish?

That brings me to Nikola Tesla. Everyone seems to love him so much, but what do we know about “him,” I mean, really? I mean, REALLY?

According to Wikipedia (I know, it gets its funding from the coffers of the Patriarchy, but it’s a good source of info, so zip it), he was born in Serbia (some small country in Paris, I think) in like the 1800th century. Then he went on to move to the US where he invented some electricity bulbs and, stuff. Hmmm. So far it sounds like it could be a man. But then it gets weirder.

According to the Wiki article, he had a great dress sense. Yeah, like, how many skinny like 50-year-old guys with mustaches do you see around that have a great dress sense? Suspicious. In the words of Billy Madison, “But wait, there’s more.” Apparently he believed that women would be the superior sex in the future. Hmmm, something is just not right here. Yeah, riiiight you’re a 1800th-century man who believes in female supremacy, suuure, some modern men don’t even believe in that. Wow…just wow. I became like more and more convinced that Nikola Tesla, was, in fact, the fierce and elusive Nikole Tesla.

I found the last pieces of the puzzle in Tesla’s esoteric childhood. Supposedly “Nikola” had one brother and three sisters. Accounts, like, claim that his brother died as a result of a horse-riding accident or whatever. I believe, however, that the person who died that day was not his brother. It was, in fact, who we believe today to be Nikola.

His sister, a fierce and strong little girl, about four years old at the time, took the opportunity to crop her hair and assume the identity of the “Nikola” that went on to become the famous inventor. She did this, of course, to get the same opportunity as a man in the invention industry. The rest was a matter of simple cosmetics—a fake mustache, 12 packs of ciggies a day to get a deep gravelly voice, and stilts to like copy socially constructed masculinity.

Still not convinced? Well, as you might know, there were no women in Tesla’s life. Why? Well, obviously because she was a heterosexual woman. Duh! And she couldn’t go for men, because like, he would be seen as homosexual and gays and transgenders were stoned to death in those days. Chessmate.

Now, I believe I have pretty much proved that Nikola Tesla was a woman. If you disagree with me you’re probably a sexist scumbag trying to claim that men are more prolific inventors than women. That is bullshit. Do you believe everything the media and books tell you? Sheeple. Everyone must know the truth. Can you handle it? Or are you narrow-minded enough to believe that Tesla was a man? Fucking woman haters. I’ve had it. I am so flipping angry at the Patriarchy for concealing this from all of us for so long. It’s like super hard to expose these lies, but I’ll do it until it stops. Will you please stop? I’m Anne Gus.