Dear Basketball Blacks: You Have No Right To Be Offended
I wouldn’t say I know much about bouncing orange balls, wearing Jordans, and shooting hoops. B-ball was only ever in my periphery growing up; it was something in which only kids of the more, let’s say, licorice persuasion were supposed to dabble—or so my mother told me anyway. I’m not saying I don’t like it, it’s a total ball, but the fact that the only thought I have about the sport involves me letting an NBA team run a train on me on a particularly frisky Friday night makes me but a moderate fan, I guess. I do, however, not live under a rock, so I have been following the whole Sterling scandal as closely as any other red-blooded American.
In case you’re a hillbilly, like, someone out of critically acclaimed Deliverance from 1972 starring Burt Reynolds, living on a dirt floor with a tin can for TV, or if you’re just, like, retarded or deaf or something, here’s a little recap of what has gone down.
Donald Sterling, an old white guy, the less bad kind of white guy (Jewish—he’s still really bad though cuz he’s rich), who has something to do with basketball, was recorded by his girlfriend, Vanessa Stiviano, a strong woman of the black, or at least partly of the black (like a zorse but human instead of animal) persuasion, saying some heinous things about black people. In the recording, he was going on and on about Stiviano taking Instagram pics with Magic Johnson, a player of the Harry Globe Potters (I presume) and getting super mad about it. Like WTF? Guess what OLD MAN. This is the 21st FUCKING century, I don’t what it was like the 1800’s when you were a young buck, but today women are allowed to post whatever they fucking want on social media. What. Ever. They. Fucking. Want. So FUCKING what if she broadcasts that she’s hanging out with black people? Broadcasting and BBC have always gone hand in hand—you of all people should know that.
Anyway, so a media storm followed when the girlfriend leaked the audio to TMZ so now all these baller types are up in arms about this, and Sterling has apparently been banned from ever playing again.
Here’s my problem with this: There’s too little focus on women of color in this whole story. All these male basketball players, Kobe, Snoop Doge, Michael Jordan, and especially the players in the LA Cripples team (where Sterling played) are being such crybabies, when the real victims of this scandal are the brave women of the WNBA and, of course, Vanessa Stiviano.
First of all, it’s safe to say that this scandal is probably only a huge PR campaign for the NBA, an attempt to attract Republican audiences who will want to come to games to soak in Sterling’s “sterling” racism and Democrats who will want to fiercely fight it on the bleachers. Yeah, that’s right. This whole media circus is one big marketing stunt aimed to, like, draw in consumers and raise the status of the NBA. This is very problematic, because do you know what happens when NBA is lifted? Yeah that’s fucking right, those who I affectionately like to call hoop-hoes—strong, independent WNBA playas—are shortchanged. BIG TIME.
We all know WNBA is a much more exciting game with a lot more twists and turns and a whole lot more empowerment than the NBA. We also know that the Patriarchy is shaming us into saying we prefer the NBA. This whole affair has silenced us even further, undermining the WNBA by painting male ballers as the victims, making us sympathize with the NBA overlord oppressors and completely forget about women of color.
NEWSFLASH: Male basketball players are living lives of luxury, earning, like, SHITLOADS of dough, while WNBA girls are lucky to make 2 dollars and 30 cents + tips. The media has yet again neglected to lift WNBA into the spotlight following this scandal. I thought the first rule of liberal media was to never paint men as victims, because men cannot by definition be victims, but this time they have obviously broken that holy rule. Victimhood is reserved for women. Period. The fact that the Cripples player are black men does little to make situation more OK. This whole thing is textbook Patriarchy strategy, commissioned straight from the control room in Boulder, Colorado. How can people be so blind? ARRRGHHH.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, bawling Male ballers are taking away the spotlight from the girlfriend, who’s the biggest victim of all here. Why on Earth was this young, beautiful kinda Asian looking half-black girl together with that old racist dirtbag anyway? It’s totally obvious that she was coerced by the Patriarchy, of which I am certain Sterling is a respected board member. I think she’s entitled to his fortune now, for bravely recording that conversation and sending it to the media. That’s the kind of women the world needs, women who don’t hesitate to turn Patriarchal men into the feds. Yes, I’m talking to you, daughters who have fathers who casually say misogynistic things over the dinner table sometimes.
So yeah, Sterling is a racist asshole, but you Cripples players can stop crying; you’re not the victims here. Women of color are. And in case you can’t get that into your heads, let me break it down in a way I’m sure you’ll understand, with a few bars. (Substitute the word homie for the “N” word in your head for the best effect.)
Yo, Yo, Yo, Annie G in the hizzy
Bust open some Ciroc Peach, yeah make it fizzy.
Dat homie Sterling got y’all mad?
take a look at yo’ dumbass self homie
you homies is just as bad.
I know he talkin’ shit ’bout dat homie Magic
but the way y’all treat dem hoop-hoes
Das jus tragic.
While y’all makin’ dem millions,
y’all hurtin’ the WNBA’s fillin’s.
Well y’all should stop doing that shit, and make them feel better.
Give your money to women, or else. 
