If You’re Australian, You’re Evil

If there was ever a land God forgot to place her divine lips upon and kiss with the heavenly passion of a thousand suns, It’s Australia.

Okay before you get the pitchforks and be all like, Anne you’re being racist again, (I have never been racist in my entire life) I just want to make it perfectly clear that Australian is probably one of my favorite races. I do however, have very valid reasons for writing this piece, and I will tell you about them now.

I’ve only met a few people from Down Under Land and they’ve all been sexist, imperialist douchebags.

What prompted me to write this article is something that happened this weekend. I went out with a few girlfriends, we headed for a bar in central Boston, but since countless angry Asians and misogynists recognized me in the streets and tried to confront me, (#ratchet), we had to escape to somewhere a bit more rural.

Anyway, so we got to a bar in kind of the outskirts of the CBD, and my girls did all they could to make a ring around me and shield me from #haters. We got a few chumps to buy us drinks but just as we were gonna go find a booth, a hand clutched my shoulder. I turned around to see a ginger-ish man in a totally unchic singlet, old, like almost 30, with a beer in his hand, staring at me with a huge grin,then he was all:

Guzziiieeee! Annie Guzz Guzz, The fawking Guzzinator gracing me with her fawking presence, I can’t believe it, you’re a fawking mad cunt ay, I loved your article bashing Asians ayyyy, they’re fawkin all over Sidney too ay, taking fawking pictures and shit ay, fawkin heeeaps cunt maaaate ayyyyyyy, the name’s Bodie Currant missus pleased to maaaake your aquaaaintance ayyyy…”

Firstly, I couldn’t believe that someone could have such a ridiculous accent, was that supposed to be American language? Secondly my article did not bash Asians and thirdly did he really call me a C U Next Tuesday just now?

For the first time in a long time I didn’t know how to reply, throwing my drink in his face didn’t seem enough. I just stood there and thought about the Patriarchy for awhile until Holly dragged me away from that ghastly man.

Obviously shaken the next morning, I took some time to learn more about the Skin Cancer Capital of the world, Australia, on the internet.

Australia seems to have been discovered by the lowly cis male cook of an English Ship in the 17-hundreds. The captain of the vessel, sir James of England must have been too busy drinking tea, eating “crumpets” and not brushing his teeth to notice the giant landmass of red sand in the horizon. Either that or Sir James was a total #foodie and this cook somehow took credit for the discovery by threatening to never prepare a particularly delish Beof Burg-Onion again. I don’t know. Herstory is so confusing.

Anyway, so already living there were a people called the Aboriginals, not to be confused with Aubergines, (FYI that’s eggplants, and if you didn’t know that, you’re a fucking racist). From what I understand they were kind of Native American Lite, but they were black too. Of course the White men committed genocide on their culture and took over everything in their usual heteronormative, racist and imperialist fashion. Unexpected? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Not long after, the British Isles started shipping, like, their worst criminals to Australia, because nobody wanted to have these chaps sauntering about London Town (obviously). But first they cut off their tongues, (people were totally brutal in those days) so when they tried to talk they sounded, like no offense, retarded, and this is where the Australian language comes from.

The descendants of these totally hood criminals live in what is now the modern Kingdom of Australia, and let me tell you, it seems pretty shit.

The Australia of 2014 is a racist Patriarchal Christian-archy led by an omnipotent Abbot, referred to,simply, as “Tony” by Ozzies (The Godfather much?). Abbot Tony recently impeached the only good person Australia has produced in a very long time Julia Gillard, a strong feminist woman with fiery red hair and an even more fiery heart, and is now ruling the nation like a monastery with an iron fist.

The general population is white, alcoholic and racist. A few years ago, Indian immigrants were attacked on buses by a gang of singlet wearing thugs with mullets mockingly calling themselves “The Sikh Kents”. Many indians were forced to go back home. Australian border control,like literally sinks the rafts of refugees who try to get to the shores, Tony, the Grandwizard of Oz, makes sure they sink like rocks.

Aboriginals are still being kept down by a system of government control called the Centrelink, and they’re only given low end jobs at gas stations or liquor stores by the system that is supposed to protect them from racism and advance them professionally. The government of Australia didn’t apologize for what they did to the “Abos” during the big genocide until 2008, but all I got from former President Kevin Rutts speech on the tube (Youtube) was a #sorrynotsorry vibe. Kevin Rutt AKA Kevin 007 drop the cuddly Koala Bear act, ok, you’re not fooling anybody. Stop. It.

As it turns out, the Bodie guy was not insulting me when he called me a cunt. In the degenerate slums of Australia, the use of that misogynistic slur has been adopted by Patriarchal males to mean “mate” or “buddy”. OMFG!? This is of course even worse than it being used as an insult, since it points to a normalization of the subjugation of strong women. So if your friends are cunts, what are women to you, huh? Riddle me that, Gazza or Shazza or whatever you name is. I don’t even wanna think about what you call them. Also, “G’day mate”, doesn’t that sound very heteronormative? Do you think I’m an animal that you can just go ahead and mate with to create perfect little cis offspring? For fucking shame.

Granted, not all Australians use this foul language, but the majority of the population, about ninety-five percent, those who identify themselves as “Bogans” (didgeri) do. The Bogan is the typical Australian racist, characterized by wearing flip flops, or “thongs” as these sexists call them, having nicknames longer than their actual names (Johno, Daveo, Matto), and sporting an 80’s style mullet. The Bogans don’t have their own political party, yet, but they do have a TV show, called HOUSOS, a show you should watch if you want to see the true Australia, the Lord of the Rings shows a beautified version of its nature and landscapes.

Australia is also home to a growing, sexist, bodybuilding culture. It all started a few years ago when a half-russian (One of Putin’s own?) Immigrant named “Zyzz” started bodybuilding and putting videos of himself online. Other young men, seeing this, started doing the same thing, and soon, an obsession with becoming big and muscular airheads spread like bushfire across the country. Suddenly, women began to feel even more threatened, because big muscular potential rapists, asking people if they were admiring their “aesthetics”, could be found everywhere you looked. I think this Australian woman-hating phenomenon dates back to the phrase “put another shrimp on the Barbie”.

This is obvious fat shaming, an already super skinny girl being told to eat only shrimp so as to stay in shape? Really Crocodile Mcphee? Really?

Okay I’ve gotten my point across, I’m just absolutely seething.

So where the bloody hell am I? Well certainly not in Australia, I’m never going there, I don’t care if you have cute little Roos hopping around at WallyWoolworthsMart, I’m never going to a country that so flagrantly racist and morally unsound. Next time I’m traveling I’m going to my favorite country, Sweden, where women are treated with respect.

There is only one person that could convince me otherwise is the totally haaaawt Karl Stevanovich from the Today Show, he could put his snag on my barbie if you know what I mean.

Look folks, show this to an Aussie friend, let them know how corrupt they really are, and if you want to discuss the sinking ship that is Australia, tweet under #AnneGusAustralia.