When A Politician Has An Affair With Someone They Can’t Publicly Reveal

I’m at work early in the morning, when a handsome late-30s yuppie rushes up to me. “Please tell me this is part of the sweater sale,” he says, holding up a gray French Connection fuzzball. It’s a former state Assemblyman and DA, whom I immediately recognize. Hello, he’s Kennedy status, in around here anyway – strapping, privileged, and just a little naughty.

“Oh, don’t worry,” I reply, running a hand down the front of the sweater, “It’s included.”

My eyes trail the outline of his moisturized jaw. “If you open a charge, you’ll save another 15 percent.”

“Oh, I have way too many store accounts,” he says with that mischievous political smile. “I’m sure you can understand?”

“All too well,” I say, sashaying away to the register. “Let me just wrap this up for you.”

The brief affair that I had with this politician (in my mind) ended way too soon. Is he married? I wonder who he was buying that women’s sweater for. The encounter got me thinking about the salacious sex scandals of politicians’ past. How their hot steamy nights turned into blinding media-frenzied mornings. Politicians enjoy more than their fair share of extracurricular boink fests, as those with money power and respect are prone to do. Much has been written after the undercover lovers got busted. I’m more interested in the hotel room highs – the mini bar fueled confessions of a Senator blindfolded with his own necktie, before the National Enquirer comes to take the piss out of the whole thing.

So, I’m going to shamelessly glamorize some famous yet fleeting Politician/Other Woman couples. I also included cocktail and music recommendations to party in style. This should break up any winter monotony at home. Let’s examine some scandals, shall we?

Eliot Spitzer/Ashley Dupre

After his bank activity drew suspicion and he was wiretapped by the feds, Eliot Spitzer got busted. Busted for what, you say? Old Spitzy (as he liked to be called between the sheets, but you didn’t hear it from me) dropped $80,000 on call girls, most prominently on a bae named Ashley Dupre.

In 2008, Dupre – who worked for escort service Emperors Club VIP – took a train to DC to meet Spitzer at the Mayflower Hotel. This transaction eventually led to the arrest of four Emperors Club employees for prostitution and money laundering. Eventually, it was deduced that “Client 9” – who by all accounts was considered “difficult” – was in fact New York Governor Spitzer. “Kristen,” her escort alias, was identified as Dupre- a girl trying to make it as a singer. Listen to her song “What We Want,” where she sings “Can you ride with me boy, Bonnie and Clyde, die with me boy?” Considering Spitzer and his wife are still a thing, I guess the answer’s no.

It all ended happily for Dupre. She wasn’t prosecuted for prostitution. She got a sex advice column in the New York Post, “Ask Ashley.” She’s featured in the May 2010 issue of Playboy. Last year she got married in Paris to a “construction magnate beau” and had a baby girl!

Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyDupre

Drink: The Spitz on Your D**K Ciderhouse Bourbon

• 2 oz bourbon
• 1 oz boiled cider
• Strip of lemon zest

Combine bourbon and boiled cider over ice and gently stir. Twist lemon zest, drop into drink, and stir some more.

Listen: Black Sheep “The Choice is Yours”; “Bad [remix],” Wale feat. Rihanna.

Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky

Maybe it was Clinton saying he “didn’t inhale.” Maybe it was the semen stain held in tact. Any way you slice it, the Monica and Bill scandal had television audiences hypnotized. “I never had sexual relations with that woman,” Clinton insisted.

While I usually root for the underdog, I never really bought Lewinsky’s schtick. Oh, she just so happened to have the notorious blue dress with presidential jizz all over it ready to use as evidence? I was eight years old at the time, but I still thought Lewinsky was being a traitor. When two consenting adults engage in oral sex, it’s with the unspoken agreement that one will not save bodily fluids to be used against the other in court.

As president, Clinton was a jovial, saxaphone-playing charmer everyone liked. Maybe he inhaled that day and allowed Lewinsky to fellate him. Maybe she was just a young girl who couldn’t resist blowing his saxophone. Perhaps Lewinsky never had the desire to capitalize on notoriety. They both went on to publish memoirs, and Lewinsky started a handbag business. On an episode of The Tom Green Show from 2000, Lewinsky and Green searched for new handbag fabrics. It’s a killer episode.

Follow Lewinsky on Twitter: @MonicaLewinsky

Drink: The Backstabber in Blue
Fill shot glass halfway with peach schnapps, then some Baileys, then blue curacao, then top with grenadine.

Listen: “Peaches,” Presidents of the United States of America; “Loyal,” Chris Brown.

John Edwards/Rielle Hunter

When Southern fried presidential hopeful Edwards was splattered on the cover of the National Enquirer with headlines about an affair, he denied it. He let his aide take the blame. His family-friendly stance was a major playing card with voters. But when the Enquirer ran another story about Edwards’ soon to be born love child and the mistress hidden away in a Beverly Hills hotel, there was no denying it.

After meeting and beginning an affair with Hunter, Edwards hired her to create videos for his website. She was to help with his political campaign – what a joke! After the media scandal, Edwards dropped out of the race. His aide shuttled pregnant Hunter to hotels all over the place. Rumors of a sex tape featuring Hunter and Edwards surfaced (she was his videographer, after all).

What’s totally fucked up about Edwards is that he was supposedly SO ABOUT “family values,” while not only cheating on his wife, but denying his own daughter for TWO YEARS. Hunter seems like a total hot mess, too. She posed for racy photos in GQ (she said images the media used weren’t flattering and came off like a desperate old person) and even claimed the two were still a couple after Edwards went to trial for alleged misuse of campaign funds. (He was found not guilty).

Drink: The Love Child Iced Tea
1 oz rum;1 oz vodka; 1 oz gin; 4 oz lemonade; 1-2 oz simple syrup; 3 oz unsweetened iced tea; mint sprigs and lemon wedges for garnish. Mix into a mason jar.

Listen: “Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya,” Dropkick Murphys; “Big Poppa,” Notorious BIG.

This short list does not include political sex ending in murder (Gary Condit/Chandra Levy), closet homosexual solicitations (Larry Craig, Mark Foley) and inappropriate sexts gone viral (Chris Lee). I tried to stick with the most romantic ones (except John Edwards- I fucking hate that guy, and his hair). Never trust a man with a schellacked ‘do.

If you think having an affair with a politician will make you go from 0 to 100 real quick – it will. You will have to write a memoir, do interviews with Barbara Walters, maybe even Playboy. But, it will hopefully recoup all the money you’ll have to spend on legal fees. Trouble will no doubt come your way. Your politician flame will probably just deny the whole thing and fall back to his wife. Who wants to be second fiddle?

You don’t see Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg out chasing tail like some liquored-up tomcat. Or, do you? At least not yet. Clearly, male politicians are a horny bunch.
Moral of the story – there should be more women in politics.