I Still Miss You (And That’s Okay)

There’s no shame in admitting I still think about you. There’s nothing wrong in trying to remember the first time we met, the first night that we went out, the first day we became official. There’s no malice in reliving how you made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.

I can’t force myself to forget you. I can’t bring myself to just let go of our memories, let go of you. I don’t have the heart to consider you as a complete stranger to me. I am not strong enough to declare that I don’t care about you anymore.

Because honestly, I still miss you. I still have feelings for you. And honestly, I’m still not over you.

A part of me is wishing that we will still end up together in the future. A part of me hopes that this is all just temporary, and we will have another chance to restore our love for each other. A part of me wants to keep the fire in my heart burning for you.

I know it’s silly to recall my love for you when we’ve been separated for quite a while now. It doesn’t make sense that I still long for you. It’s not healthy to keep my hopes up about the idea of us being together again.

But I still do. And maybe that’s okay.

It’s not really my intention to bury my feelings towards you. I don’t want to hate you for not trying to make our relationship work. I don’t want to hate you for not fighting for me, for us, for our love. I don’t want to make my heart heavy every time I remember you.

I want to make a special place for you in my soul. I want to retain everything about you in my memory. I want to cling to my feelings for you.

Because as strange as it sounds, you still give me reasons to live every day. I still live by the lessons you have taught me about love. I still wake up in the morning and have your name pops up in my mind. I still look for a shooting star in the night sky and wish you well.

I’m frightened to think that my heart still remains in the palm of your hand, and I have forgotten to take it with me, as I have walked in a different direction. But I am more frightened to admit that I have left it with you on purpose.

I want you to keep it so I have a reason to come back to you one day. I can’t give it to anyone else because it is only you who I want to take care of it. It is only you who deserves to own it. And I don’t want that truth to change.

I like to keep hoping that we will have our time together again.

But right now, all I can do is to miss you. All I can hope is that you think of me too, or remember me even at the slightest. Because knowing I cross your mind once in a while washes away all of my sadness.

I’m trying so hard to be alright about the fact that you’re not here with me. I’m good at pretending your absence in my life doesn’t bother me. I’m great at faking my smile to anyone who asks me about you.

But nothing can cover up the truth that I’m dying on the inside from missing you every day. And all I want is to hear you voice one more time. All I want is to hear you say my name.

I am done playing games with myself. I am done acting like I don’t care about you. I am done claiming I’m strong without you.

It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes and tell to myself that I want you back. I want to have another chance with you, be with you, live my endless tomorrows with you.

I still see you as someone who has a major role to play in my future. I know your place in my heart is never going to be replaced by somebody else. My heart doesn’t beat the same without you; you’re the only one it recognizes.

And hopefully, you feel the same way too.