To The One Who Brought Out The Worst In Me

Thank you.

I know these are probably not the words you’re expecting from me. After all the drama we’ve been through, all the damage we’ve inflicted on each other, all the destruction we’ve left in each other’s path, I know you’re not expecting me to thank you. Yet here I am, grateful.

I’m grateful that you had hurt me, brought me to the lowest point in my life thus far, made me feel completely wrecked and helpless. You lied and cheated and backed out on almost every single promise you made me. You brought out my inner demons, made my worst fears come true, showed me the toxic person I could be.

But here’s the thing. I can try to put this on you, blame you for turning me into a “crazy ex-girlfriend”, mold our story in any way I want, but at the end of the day, there’s no denying that I hurt you too.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. I admit that I hurt you, that it was intentional, that it was wrong. I’m sorry that I’ve said and done horrible things. I was dysfunctional and I became the person I never wanted to imagine I could be. It took a long time for me to accept the pain you so brazenly caused me. It took an even longer time to accept that the hand I dealt you was no better.

I admit that you treating me badly did not justify me treating you the same way. I was vindictive, and my hurt made me want to hurt you back. I was fragile and frantic, scared to be alone. I forced you to be the sole source of my happiness, to be everything I wanted every time I wanted. I didn’t have a sense of self so I sought that fulfillment from loving you but somewhere down the line, it didn’t feel like love anymore. It became fear.

I admit that I lost myself in our relationship. You became my entire world and I forgot about the things that mattered to me. I forgot who I was and what I wanted to achieve. I forgot what it meant to be my own person and do my own thing because all I wanted to do was be with you. But I’m not the girl you once knew. I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m done hating you. You don’t get to make me feel undeserving or scared or miserable or guilty. You don’t get to be my ghost.

In the months we’ve been apart, I’ve finally healed. I went back home. I spent time with people who never left me even though I left them. I received and gave love. I made new friends, reconnected with old ones, did all the things I wanted to do but never got around to when I was with you. I learned about self-care and focused on the activities and people that energized me. It took a long time, but I finally learned to love myself.

So thank you, because I couldn’t have done this without you. Without you bringing out the worst in me, I wouldn’t have been able to confront my faults and change myself for the better. I’ve learned about who I am and who I never want to be again. I’ve learned that I gave you my heart once but that doesn’t mean I can’t take it back. I’m taking back everything I so willingly threw at you. I’m taking back my hope, I’m taking back my power, but most importantly, I’m taking back my happiness.