5 “Girl Things” I’m Done With

Thongs

I’m done with thongs. At the tender age of 22 I am no longer willing to sacrifice my comfort for a tiny piece of fabric to rest way too close to my butthole. And for what? No panty lines? The only reason anyone cares about panty lines is because thongs exist. Besides, I’m pretty sure they make panties now that drastically reduce if not entirely diminish the appearance of these lines, so what’s the point? A friend of mine said it best: “Like thongs hurt. They make everything weird sweaty and they give you vagina wedgies.” My remaining thongs will continue to stay buried in my dresser drawer for emergencies. That emergency being every time I run out of clean underwear, in which case I would much rather go commando than wear butt floss ever again. And while we’re on the subject of butts…

Pretending That Girls Don’t Poop

The jig is up. I really don’t know of many people that are still terribly uncomfortable with the subject but if you’re out there I wanna punch you in the face. Call me immature, but some of the funniest conversations I’ve ever had have been about pooping. My favorite females in the world aren’t fazed by their poo and talk about it quite casually. Just the other day my fun-sized grandma said, “Dark chocolate? I might as well eat a whole box of Ex-Lax.” It’s funnier because she really is the most adorable little woman I’ve ever seen. I’m not saying we need to talk about it all the time or even on a regular basis. It’s not for everyone. The point is you do it. And the more you do it, the healthier you are. I remember feeling so distraught when girls used to tell me that they don’t really poop. Like that they only poop once a week or something. I thought “Omg is it not normal that I poop every day?!” Then I realized that they were lying or chronically constipated or not eating. I hope one more girl tells me that she doesn’t poop very often just so I can say, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Besides, why are you so much less embarrassed and sometimes even amused by getting drunk and puking in public than if you shit your pants? Why aren’t they considered equally disgusting? I’m not immune to the social stigma. I too would much rather vomit in front of anyone than shit my pants. Everybody poops. We’re only scared to talk about it because everyone else is scared to talk about it. The faster you accept it, the less anxious you will be.

Shaving More Than Once A Week

I get that some girls have darker and more obnoxious body hair than others, but I’ve honestly never felt the need or desire to shave my body hair more than once a week. Maybe twice a week in the summer. I’ve met girls who think it’s appalling not to shave every day or every other day and I can’t understand where this comes from. It’s hair. It’s all over the men you have sex with. And if those same men can’t handle a week’s worth of body hair on a woman then you’ve got bigger problems. Like you’re dating a pussy. And doesn’t your skin get really irritated from shaving so often? Ain’t nobody got time for that. And by nobody I mean me. You can shave whenever you want, I’m not your boyfriend.

Wearing Makeup On A Daily Basis

I had terrible acne from age thirteen to nineteen. Bad skin accompanied by low self-esteem caused me to almost never leave the house without makeup during my teenage years. I wouldn’t take my makeup off if I slept over someone’s house because I would have rather them seen my raccoon eyes when I woke up than no makeup at all. I remember feeling deeply self-conscious if a boyfriend ever caught a glimpse of me without my face armor. Now I’m 22, and I’ve been relatively acne free for the past few years. Thanks Proactiv! Now that we got that infomercial out of the way, the clearing up of my skin has either caused me to gain confidence in my bare face or completely not give a shit about what it looks like anyway. Probably a bit of both. Either way, I’m enormously grateful to have gotten to a place where I’m comfortable enough to leave the house without makeup cause hey man, this is my face. Sorry if you don’t like it. And you know the best thing about not wearing makeup most of the time? Not having to take it off. The agony! I’m sooooooooooo tired. Plus you get to rub your eyes all day long like a groggy toddler.

Push-Up Bras

I am a B-cup. It’s fine. Most days, it’s enough. I don’t really care about my boobs. How I feel about my boobs is kind of how I feel about balls. They’re there. But thanks to Victoria’s Secret, I could probably fake a D-cup if I wanted to. Have you felt these bras?! I don’t mind and even prefer a little padding to round everything out but I could damn well take a nap on these little booby mattresses. I bet it feels like you’re wearing a fat suit over your tatas. It’s like stuffing your shirt with an entire roll of paper towels. On the bright side, people could punch you in the tits and you probably wouldn’t even feel it. My boyfriend also told me to mention that it’s unfair to guys because it’s false advertising. So yeah, that too.