Amanda Van Slyke

As you grow older, you might become suicidal, or have unexplained health issues.

As one autistic friend said to me, “a lot of us live online” — but we don’t have to. We can create a world where there’s more understanding of people who are neuro-diverse, starting by talking about it.

When I consistently feel like I’m coming down with a fever, the last thing on my mind is leaving my apartment to run errands or socialize ,  never mind having sex. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want it.

If you find yourself in a crossroads rights now, where you don’t know if you should quit school or find a new career or move into your parents’ basement to figure out your life — know that whatever you’re doing, you’re not worthless.

The other night I was supposed to have a bunch of friends over. I made the event on Facebook weeks in advance when I was feeling really social, checking off ‘interested’ to a ton of other events in anticipation that I would soon be doing ALL THE THINGS.

I’ve spent most of my adult life trying various treatments for my mood — antidepressants, which helped my anxiety but made it impossible to orgasm, alcohol which made my anxiety worse the day after. I was curious to see if microdosing edibles would help me take my symptoms from tolerable to non-existent.

I’ve always been seen as difficult — even from the beginning. And I’m sick of being expected by society to bow my head and be quiet.

It wasn’t until looking into solo polyamory I realized I don’t have to feel guilty for having separate needs from my partner.

When I was monogamous, I felt like there was always something lacking.

When my partner and I were intimate, things turned to slow motion — and not the good kind. I couldn’t get into sex if my body wouldn’t respond accordingly. Before, it would barely take anything to make me aroused. I wanted it all the time. Now, getting wet took a lot longer, and having an orgasm was almost impossible and not nearly as enjoyable.

What if we didn’t have to work our way up the ladder or get more likes on social media or have the newest product advertised?

People are often scared of the word BDSM — but that’s just the stigma of giving into your desires.

I felt like I was dying. And it wasn’t until I changed everything I was brought up to believe that suddenly I began to feel like I was finally living.

This has helped me to lose all expectations of my relationships with other people — people I work with, my friends, my lovers. Not in a way where I don’t have needs that have to be met, but where I’ve come to realize that different people will meet my needs in different ways.

If I were you right now, I’d be wondering why the hell I stayed for two years. But just like every relationship out there, there were both good and bad parts.

I never set out to break the girl code, but my habits won over my morals and with every drink, my inhibitions loosened.