This Is Why I Absolutely Won’t Be Watching ‘The Hills’ Reboot

It can be fun to indulge in a bit of nostalgia, but there’s a time and place. I remember The Hills as the sequel to Laguna Beach and another chance to watch Lauren Conrad or as we knew her, “LC”. I wanted a friendship like Lauren and Lo and wanted to stay away from any friends like Heidi. Audrina was the cool girl after that and Whitney was the girl with a heart of gold. Jason and Justin Bobby were fuckboys before we even started calling people fuckboys, while Spencer was the unstable and forced villain.

Somewhere along the way, Lauren and Whitney gained real-life success and on the show’s last dying breath forced Kristin Cavallari into center stage. Both Spencer and Heidi’s sisters were brought into the mix of made-up relationships, faux enemies, and drama instigated behind the scenes by MTV in a desperate attempt to increase ratings.

The final episode titled “All Good Things…” shocked viewers by ending with a close up on Brody standing on a sidewalk with the Hollywood sign in the background. He watches Kristen drive away on her new journey, after wishing her luck and saying what appears to be goodbye. In the final seconds, a close up on Brody is followed by the removal of the Hollywood backdrop with an entire film crew surrounded by a now smiling Brody. The car that Kristen drove off in is now only a few feet away as she jumps out to join the film crew and Brody. They laugh, hug and Brody asks Kristen: “Want to get out of here?” and she replies, “Yeah!”

I had just finished my senior year in high school at the time, and I remember feeling as played by MTV as I’d felt played by every boy in high school. Little did I know at the tender age of 18 that real heartbreak was awaiting me in college. But enough about me, back to The Hills. As confused and disappointed as I was, it wasn’t that surprising, and it was clear that this show was doing nothing but teaching me to be fake while clogging up brain space.

RIP The Hills.

Until 2019, the year where people are constantly questioning what the world is coming to, in both important issues, and non-important topics.

Non-important, the return of The Hills: New Beginnings.

There are obvious reasons why I have no interest in watching:

New beginnings?

This show isn’t about new beginnings, it’s MTV’s attempt at reviving a corpse. New beginnings would have to include an entirely new concept with new faces. This is a frantic attempt to mirror the mindless population that supports The Kardashians, single-handedly keeping The E! network around.

Speidi, enough already!

With the help of social media, Spencer and Heidi’s obsessive efforts to become relevant has potentially paid off. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have gotten their dying wish, even if it comes with a dying network. The Hills reboot pushes them back into the spotlight one last time as they continue to make their claim to fame, for their, well they, when they do, um actually I’m not really sure what they’re trying to be famous for.

MTV: MusicTeleVison, or so it was…

I miss the days when MTV was actually a music television network. Now it’s all about teen moms and people putting tattoos on each other. I understand the days of TRL and Carson Daly are over, but MTV should at least change their name to reflect the content of their channel. There is literally no music on MTV.

Mischa Barton…wait what?!?!

I barely have words, but I do have questions, specifically for Mischa: When did you stop acting? How did you get to the point that reality television seemed like the best next step in your career? Are you being forced against your will the join The Hills reboot? Is it the money? How much are they paying you? Actually, now that I think about, MTV is probably paying you a shit ton of money so I kind of can’t blame you. But still, I have no interest in watching Mischa Barton joining Speid’s friend group. It makes no sense on any universe, even the fake ones.

Audrina, MOVE ON

Listen, I like to go back the guy that broke my heart about 25 times before moving just like the next girl but Audrina, come on girl! It’s 2019, no one has time to entertain even something informal as a conversation with a fuckboy from TEN YEARS AGO. A forced interaction between Audrina and Justin Bobby included in the trailer still has me rolling my eyes at this moment.

LC over everyone

We all watched The Hills for Lauren, and she’s been out of the picture for a while, succeeding in real-life. There isn’t a cast member that could replace her, not even Kristin. The Hills died a long time ago, and we’ve all moved on. The relevancy lives in the past, where it belongs.

So instead of watching The Hills reboot, just re-watch Friends on Netflix. Your mind will thank you.