Almie Rose

My local Vons supermarket is one of the worst places in the entire world. But I have to go there because I have to eat, and it’s close.

Am I in Macy’s? Or any sort of department store? What about a gift shop?

I plan on having kids right around the time I plan on having tea with Michael Caine in a gumdrop palace on the moon.

When it comes to dating sometimes even those of us with the best intentions wind up being an accidental creep.

It’s not lying if you believe it.

Having “the relationship talk” WAY too soon.

When you put someone up on a pedestal they don’t ever step down. They crash to the floor.

Just think what YOU can accomplish!

Growing up I was always embarrassed for the women who acted in tampon commercials. Now I think it would be a great gig for me.

Much like earthquakes or Voldemort attacks, running into your ex happens when you’re not expecting it.

These headphones are statements. These headphones are like a secret handshake. You see someone wearing Beats By Dre, and you think — we are together in this.

Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/’American Psycho’ GIF form.