Why You Should Never Date A Musician

I have a weakness for musicians. This weakness had led me to heartbreak and other inconveniences. I’d been warned not to date musicians but I never listened. I figured, you can’t make sweeping generalizations like that, can you?

Actually, yes, you can. Here are some reasons why you should never date a musician. And I mean a real musician, not some guy who busts out his guitar at a dying house party and does an acoustic version of “Hey Ya!”, like we’ve never heard that before, dude.

Their band will always come first.

You will never come before the music. Their band is always going to come before you, unless your name is Yoko Ono, and let’s be real, it probably isn’t. And I can’t really fault the musician for that, because I get it: your career is important, and for some people, it’s their driving force in life. It can just suck when you realize you’re competing with three dudes (or three ladies, or whatever combination) for the attention of one dude.

They tour, sometimes for a long-ass time.

If the musician is doing really well (again, not the dude singing “Hey Ya!”), they’re going to have to tour. This is great for them, as it’s awesome exposure for the band and all that. What’s not so great for you is that you’re suddenly in a long-distance relationship. And maybe you make your peace with this, and do your best to Skype and text and email while they’re away, and then suddenly, the tour is extended. It’s a lot for a relationship to take.

The groupies.

A band doesn’t have to be Led Zeppelin to have groupies. Just put a guy on a stage and give him an audience and a guitar, and the groupies will follow. And in this day and age, with Instagram and Twitter, it’s easier for groupies to follow their favorite artists and contact them. It can be very easy to get very jealous. Even the most level-headed person could find themselves feeling envy seeing a long line of women clamoring to meet and talk to their musician of choice. Pro tip for groupies: don’t ever try to talk to a musician as they’re unloading after their set. Not a good time.

They’re total divas.

I’m sorry, but musicians are total divas who think everything revolves around them. It’s just one of those professions that comes with an ego. Even the humblest person will turn into a diva when they become a successful musician. Which isn’t to say that every musician is at Kanye’s level. If that were a case, the music industry would fold into itself, like some beautiful dark twisted origami. But once you get a musician working in the studio, that’s it, they’re totally gone, lost in themselves.

Look, I can be reasonable about this. I know some genuinely good guys who are musicians who aren’t total dickbags who would rightly object to this. But I find that they’re rare exceptions. Musicians are the easiest, fastest way to get your heart broken. And for what it’s worth, you probably shouldn’t date writers, either.