8 Things That Happen In Every Episode Of Scandal

Scandal is one of those shows you hate watch. Maybe it began as true love, and then the more it went on, the more you realized, “The fuck is this?” Here are 8 of those, “the fuck is this?” things that happen in every episode of Scandal.

1. Olivia’s dad gives a very repetitive speech about some bullshit like dignity. Something like, “Let me tell you a little something about dignity. Dignity is standing up for what you are willing to be knocked down for, Olivia. Dignity is being a man, or a woman, or a person, Olivia, it’s being a person and it’s standing on your own, it’s standing where you need to be, knowing that nothing can move you from the very spot in. Which. You. Are. Standing. In. Dignity is being what you know you are to be, Olivia, it’s being who you are, who you were, who you will be. That is dignity, Olivia. That is everything, Olivia. Dignity. Olivia. Dignity.”

2. Olivia gulps down a vat of red wine. An article came out in the New York Times stating that Ms. Pope actually drinks her wine incorrectly, explaining, “Olivia treats even the finest wine as if it were a can of beer. She habitually grabs goblets by the bulb rather than the stem, as a wine lover would. She never swirls and sniffs, the ritual that non-wine drinkers alternately find amusing, affected or annoying. She guzzles rather than sips.” And she does it in every episode. You can count on it.

3. Mellie gives a speech through clenched, smiling teeth. Something about how she’s fine even though she’s really not fine, all while taking a dig at her presidential husband. “Listen, Fitz, my dear husband, I am fine. I am as fine as fine can be. I have a beautiful family, and duties to serve for my country. Everything is fine. What you’re not thinking about, is how I am fine while not being fine. Because all you can think about, Fitz, is you. You think you, you breathe you. And I am sick and tired of breathing you.” (Smiley clenched face.) “Because I am the First Lady. And the First Lady is always fine. Always. And I cannot be any less than the first. So don’t worry about me, darling. I’m fine. Very fine.” (Drinks scotch.)

4. Olivia Pope states her own name when things are looking rough. “I am Olivia Pope!” she’ll announce, when she’s in a jam, and she’ll explain why that means everything is going to be okay. People will nod their heads in solidarity. Why? Because she’s Olivia Pope!

5. Huck does some seemingly amazingly easy computer hacking. Everyone turns to Huck to “hack something” (read: type rapidly on a keyboard as we view it from the POV of being inside the computer) and mumbles words that have something to do with the Internet, hacking, and computers, but make no sense. Something like, “I established the coordinates…triangulated their position…zeroed in on the router…I’m uploading the coordinates to the ISP…I’ve established the connectivity in the operating system…now it’s just a matter of…(deep breath, pause, exhale, raised eyebrows) when.” Oh, and don’t forget how they’re able to enhance any grainy, blurry photo and produce a crystal clear picture, like the time they got a guy based on a reflection in a glass of water.

6. There’s some Stevie Wonder song or other smooth ‘70s bullshit playing while the gang tapes photos and documents to a freakin’ window. Don’t forget the rapid cuts and blurry shots to each member of the group, who rattle off info about the person they’re representing, like it’s a totally normal practice to use your window as a massive bulletin board. “Leave no stone unturned!” Olivia will instruct, as Quinn nods her head faster than a hummingbird can fly. Hey, remember when Desmond from Lost was on the show? See you in another life, brother.

7. There’s a twist ending that makes absolutely no sense. Olivia’s mom was the bad guy the whole time?! The guy Olivia was trying to exonerate turns out to be an evil mastermind?! Olivia’s dad killed the president’s son?! They’re all mind-blowing twists, that in retrospect, make little to zero sense. But who cares? As long as they make us gasp, they’re golden.

8. Cyrus gives a speech to the president about how important the presidency/America is, using metaphors. Something like, “Mr. President, you cannot back down now, you, sir, are offering the people Disneyland, and they want that Disneyland, sir, they want it badly. They want their Tomorrowland, Mr. President, but you are living in Fantasyland. Meanwhile, the guests are coming and going, eating their hot dogs and riding their roller coasters, and you’re dreaming of good ole Main Street USA, and Mr. President, this is the America we need, the America we deserve. We need our Disneyland, sir, and we need you to welcome us in. Don’t drop us off at Splash Mountain. Make it a small world, after all. Sir.” And the President will exhale deeply and furrow his near-invisible brows, and he’ll agree.

(Cue camera shutter clicking noises.)

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