How To Fake Having Your Shit Together
They say fake it ‘till you make it. Some things you should not fake:
- Being a doctor
- Flying an airplane
- Assuring everyone at the table that you know how much each person owes for dinner plus tax and tip
Other than that, go for it. It’s not lying if you believe it.
From now on, you no longer “hang out.” You have business meetings. Getting together with a friend for coffee? Business meeting.
Mom buying you lunch? Business meeting.
Phone call with your therapist? Business call.
What’s a business meeting anyway, really? As long as
you accomplished something – anything – in a set amount of time, you’re taking care of business.
Post non-braggy updates on Facebook. Here’s an example.
DO:
Psyched to be writing for Cool New Blog Everyone Loves. Will try not to suck too hard. Thanks to everyone for reading my stuff!
DO NOT:
Wow, totally overwhelmed and just brimming with joy that I was asked out of millions of people to write exclusively for Cool New Blog Everyone Loves. I know I’m gonna hit it out of the park!!! You guys, please retweet and Facebook share everything I write. It’s really important, I need to keep this going, I am doing so great everything is awesome, I can’t wait to text my BFF Neil Patrick Harris about this!!!!
Sometimes I see all the great things my friends are doing and I feel really good for them. Sometimes I see all the great things my “who the fuck are these people, did we even meet” friends are doing and I feel really annoyed. But if you’re using Facebook and you’re not planning to quit anytime soon, stop the “ugh can’t believe I’m sick again and no one is hiring me and I want to die” updates and project good, confident energy.
“But what if nothing great is going on in my life, Almie?” You may be asking.
“Your name is Almie? Is that even a real name? Is that short for anything?” You may be asking now. Yes, it’s short for Almanda.
“Really?” No. But let’s go back to your original question.
If nothing great is going on in your life, you make like the Price is Right Wheel and spin it.
“How are you?” someone asks at a party.
Don’t say, “I’m awful no one will hire me and my boyfriend got fat.” Say, “I’m doing pretty well, and I don’t feel like killing myself.”
If they say, “Wow, that’s horrible, my brother killed himself and I find that really offensive,” respond with, “Wow, because I was really referring to your brother just now because everything is about you and your fucking dead brother, isn’t it? Go fuck yourself.” Then steal a copy of The Great Gatsby from their house before you leave.
If the party isn’t at their house, follow them home. Wait until they go to sleep. Break in. Find their copy of The Great Gatsby. Take it. Everyone has a copy of The Great Gatsby. If you don’t, it’s because I stole it.
But that’s not important right now. My point is that people don’t need to know what’s really happening in your life, especially if it bums you out, because why share what makes you sad? Find the brightest side and go with it. You’re faking it until you feel it, remember?
“What do you do for a living?” they may ask you. “Nothing, I can’t get a job and I complain about that on my blog” = “I’m a freelance writer until I find something I really want to commit to.”
You have to take those moments when panic and fear slap you across your face and block them with your fake confidence. Picture your confidence as your personal bodyguard.
Also, next time you want to cry, laugh instead. Laugh because of how absurd it is. “Why yes, MINI dealership, of course I have $8,000 to spend on a new transmission and labor costs for my 2006 MINI Cooper.
Just kidding, are you fucking kidding me? If I had $8,000 to spend on a 2006 MINI Cooper, I wouldn’t even have a 2006 MINI Cooper in the first place. I would have 6 regular Coopers instead. Oh really? You don’t appreciate my sarcasm? I don’t appreciate you FUCKING ME. What, you think because you’re a dealership I’m gonna do whatever you say? You think I’m Miley and I’m just gonna twerk up against you? You can go twerk yourself.”
Then hang up and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. 
