Almie Rose

I have a weakness for musicians. This weakness had led me to heartbreak and other inconveniences. I’d been warned not to date musicians but I never listened. I figured, you can’t make sweeping generalizations like that, can you?

My future, once laid out like a colorful map on a child’s restaurant placemat, is now as muddy and dirty as the face of a world-weary hobo. I am in a swimming pool that is lit by youth. I am weary, I am old, I am sailing on a boat made of newspaper, and like the medium itself, I am sinking.

Here are 10 reasons why ghosts are fucking dicks. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, because I totally did. I could go on about ghosts forever, those dicks.

Sometimes you’re merrily skipping through life when you suddenly stumble and trip and that’s when you wonder, “Wait, am I total fuckup?” We all have moments when we trip and fall. Some of us fall harder than others.

Scandal is one of those shows you hate watch. Maybe it began as true love, and then the more it went on, the more you realized, “The f*ck is this?”

Capricorns are very prudent signs.

So you’re dating an Aries (born March 21 – April 19) — it’s business time.

Geminis are, in a way, easy to date, because you can just let them do all the talking.

You know when David Bowie sings in “Modern Love”, “I know when to go out…know when to stay in…get things done”? He may as well be singing about a Taurus.

When choosing your place for a date, don’t pick anything too expensive; Cancers tend to be thrifty.

The Virgo (born August 23 to September 22), is the most workaholic sign out of all the signs in the zodiac, so don’t be surprised if on your date, your Virgo wants to talk about work, work, and more work.

Actually going on a date with a Pisces is easy, since they like to go with the flow, but communicating with a Pisces on a date can be a little harder.

You’ll read this and think, “Wow! At least I didn’t do THAT.” And somewhere in the world, I’ll nod and stroke my chin thoughtfully.

Libras hate conflict. Nah, I kid, I’m sure you’re the bee’s knees!

Sometimes we talk on the phone. It’s not often enough.

Are they aware you’re dating? Hey, I’m just kidding.

The Sagittarius loves to use winky faces while texting. Sagittarians and winky faces go together like Olivia Newton-John and skinny leather pants.

I had to interject here and ask, can you elaborate? What makes a girl “crazy”?