How Am I Supposed To Get Over You?

“I don’t know what I want.”

That sentence, those six words, are the last thing that resonated with me in the last text message I received from you six hours ago. It was a long, overdue talk that only took about two and a half years to have. A talk where I told you I still liked you and you said, “I don’t know what I want right now.” I feel defeated. Sure it’s been two and half years but feelings can’t be filed away the way we do with memories and countless bits of information we gather over the years.

“I don’t know what I want.”

They say your first love, your first soul mate ignites a fire within your soul. Whoever ‘they’ are, they are correct. What they forget to mention is that when you mess up and it ends, the fire doesn’t go out. Instead, the fire goes from mediocre to a wildfire, one that needs much more than a silly little fire extinguisher. What they forget to mention is that you will have a hard time taming this fire and putting it out. What they forget to tell you is that it won’t be easy, and no one will ever truly understand why you’re having such a hard time putting out that fire that’s been burning for so long.

“I don’t know what I want.”

I would say I know what it’s like, to finally put the fire out and never think about it again, but then I’d be lying. I don’t know what that’s like. My hope is that the fire never dies, but that’s rarely the case. Eventually, this fire will die down and I wish I could give you the exact answer as to when, but I cannot. In time all that will be left are the ashes, lying there on the ground.

“I don’t know what I want.”

I do not know how to rid myself of you. “I don’t know what I want right now” is your current standing and that I understand. It was a lot to handle, I mean why wouldn’t it be, it was my first love. I guess that is what it will always be, my first love. One day maybe life will allow our paths to cross once more, the way they did at that soccer game years ago, and maybe our paths will never cross again. They say time heals all wounds, but all the time in the world couldn’t put out this fire I am trying to contain.