Stop Asking Me If I Had An Orgasm!

I’m never going to turn down an O, but I think having an orgasm is the great red herring of female sexuality.

Unlike men’s experience with sex, the lack of an orgasm doesn’t make any particular statement about the quality of the sex. It’s not a climb up to a pinnacle, orgasm, and then be done–the whole thing feels pretty damn consistently good for a woman.

This feeling that an orgasm is the end-all and be-all of good sex is a model of sexuality based on men’s experiences but you shouldn’t assume that women work the same way as men. There are two types of human bodies–not the regular type and the slightly different type but two actually different types. A failure of one body to perform the same way as a different body is only a failure of bad expectations.

In my experience it takes quite a while to get into a groove with a guy where we can both know what the other wants from sex–and how I can have an orgasm. This means that a majority of the times we have sex before we get to that point is filled with tons of pressure because he wants me to have an orgasm. A lot of guys feel like it is their personal responsibility to make a woman orgasm from sex, which means that a lot of women feel they will disappoint their partner if they can’t. This is a no-win situation because pressure to have an orgasm makes it even less likely that an orgasm will occur.

In no moment is this whole catch-22 more pronounced than when I am lying in bed trying to savor post-coital bliss and a man asks me, “did you cum?”

Is there a right answer to this question?

No. It’s the equivalent of “do I look fat in this?” Hurting the feelings of someone you like sucks–as does being dishonest with them. Telling the truth is even stickier in this situation because it doesn’t paint an accurate picture of what you’re hoping to learn about. Whether I orgasmed (or whether someone actually looks fat in a dress, I would venture) doesn’t change my feelings for him or about whether I had a good time.

It’s too much pressure! I think sex is a fun activity, and everyone involved would have a much better time if that’s how we viewed it. A great meal isn’t a failure if a particular dish isn’t served–there’s a whole variety of things that taste good. Just lay off a bit, please. I want to enjoy myself not be glued to a scoreboard.