I’m Slowly Learning That It’s Okay That I’m Not Over You Yet

I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t feel bad about not being over the first man I ever loved. It’s only been 4 months since our breakup, and unfortunately, you’re still on my mind. Roll your eyes, call me pathetic, desperate, and miserable, call me all these names if you want, but I’m not over you. I’m not over the man that showed me what being loved meant. I’m not over the man that I fell in love with one year ago and stupidly thought would be the father of my children. You introduced me to your parents, to you friends and to your life, only to shut me off completely 10 months later.

I’m not over you, but I’m over it. I’m over waking up in the morning with the thought of you. I’m tired of seeing you showing off on social media. I’m tired of being sad over you when you forgot about me.

For a long time, I thought you “won” that breakup because that same weekend, you were out partying with your friends, and not even a month later, you were already hanging with a girl—a girl that I used to be friends with. For a long time, I felt miserable, unwanted, and rejected, but after, I realized that I was strong—stronger than you even, because I dealt with my pain. I dealt with my pain alone because you took all my friends away from me with your lies. I didn’t bury my pain in alcohol, drugs, or a one night stand, I overcame my heartbreak by going to see a psychologist, by talking with friends, by doing sports and journaling.

When I started doing all of these things, it made me become a better person, and I realized that it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to not be over your first love yet.