I’m A Bitch And I’m Completely Fine With That

I would hope that when most people meet me they think I’m a genuinely nice person. Not only that, I hope they know that I do my best to be the best friend/daughter/co-worker/sister/whatever I can be. But I’m also a complete fucking bitch when it comes to dating.

How many times can you let someone hurt you before it’s considered crazy to keep trying? Most of us would say one or two times. But what if every single relationship you’ve gotten into has ended terribly and really the only common denominator is you. The worst thing is when all of your friends say that you were ‘too nice’ or ‘too deep in it’ or ‘too forgiving.’ So, then you start to question if being nice is the way to go with future romantic relationships.

The short of this story is that I’m uptight, unapologetic and hard to crack open when it comes to feelings and falling in love now. I wasn’t always like this but if you ask the people I’ve been dating recently, they’ll tell you that I’m not the most welcoming and I don’t text back often. They’ll also tell you that I don’t really put in the effort and that when they tell me about their day, they know I’m halfheartedly listening.

It’s not because I don’t care but my heart has been placed in the hands of a lot of men who have let it drop. I have been in so many relationships that are filled with fake love that I just want to believe in something, in anything when it comes to falling in love. But I don’t. I can’t right now. I can’t because even though the last seven months have been me trying so fucking hard to get over my ex, I just can’t.

I can’t get over it because I’m embarrassed by my actions. I’m embarrassed when my friends tell me how much I did for him and how little he actually did back. I’m embarrassed when I realize how little respect he had for me and how little respect I had for myself. I’m just embarrassed that I stayed in that situation as long as I did and rationalized it even though any person with a brain could see what was happening.

When you change so much for another person and it’s not enough, you need to do something else. You need to start putting in your boundaries and realizing your self-worth; these are things I’ve never been good at. But I’ve started to say no when it’s something I don’t really want to do. I stopped dating someone because I was trying to be nice even though I knew we had nothing in common. I’ve let men call me a bitch for wanting the first date to also be the last. I’ve let people think that I’m mean because I explain to them that the spark just isn’t really there for me.

Maybe that’s not even bitchy and that I should stop even referencing or embracing the fact that people have called me a bitch. Is it bitchy to be someone who won’t let other people walk all over them? Someone who won’t just sit down and shut up when it comes to any sort of argument? Someone who won’t just let their lives be determined for them by another person? If that’s what a bitch is then I am wholeheartedly a bitch and wear that title with pride.

Having my guard up means that people have called me and probably will continue to call me a bitch. But maybe sometimes it’s OK to accept the fact that maybe you don’t need to keep the rock-hard exterior all the time. Maybe sometimes you can let your guard down and let someone in but only if they’ve proven to you that they’re going to give you the respect you should deserve. Maybe it’s realizing it’s OK to say no and have strict boundaries and being alright with cutting out the people who accept those. Maybe it’s learning that it’s OK to trust another person and acting like you don’t care isn’t the best route.

Or maybe I really am just a bitch.