You Will Always Be My Biggest Regret (And My Biggest Lesson)

Do you remember what it was like when we first met? The second we laid eyes on each other and all we could think about was what it would be like to be together. And our hands burned when we couldn’t have them intertwined. We were all about each other and even though I’ve loved before, you were the one that made me feel like this time I had gotten it right.

I tried to remind you of that when you started to pull away. You were moving so quickly I didn’t have time to fully grasp the concept in those moments that I was losing you. I was losing the person I had so quickly fell for. Someone that even now still makes me wish we could have made it work. And there have been people since you, who are great but they can’t fill the hole that you left.

There was a look in your eyes when you stared at me that made me feel like I was the most amazing creature you had ever seen. The way you managed to point out what I thought were flaws and see nothing but beauty made me start to see them that way too. Because that’s what love is. It’s seeing the flaws and accepting them as they are.

I want to feel that again. I want to hold you close. Closer than before because now I know what’s it like to not have my arms wrapped around you. I know what it’s like to not to bury my face into your chest and breathe you in. I know what it’s like to know you and know everything that you have the potential to be. And you are definitely going places.

It’s hard to believe that we acted like we were teenagers when we were together. We had to be constantly touching because if we weren’t it felt like something wasn’t right in our worlds.

You showed me that I could love again even though I was pretty certain I never would.

But I assumed that you knew how much you meant to me without me having to say it. I felt that the actions I took to make sure that you knew how important you were in my world said enough. I felt as though in those moments I had made you realize that you. All those mornings I was late for work because unwrapping myself from you felt like the biggest chore I had. But little did I know that the mornings waking up without you at all would be worse.

How come when it feels like someone is pushing us away we either fight for them or fight with them? And did we ever fight each other instead of for each other. The arguments that were laced with poisonous insults that made us realize just how much maturing we both had to do. The deeply hurtful words that I know how effected both of us on a level that we won’t ever forget. Or the moment when we both looked at each other and just knew, that this time we weren’t coming back from this. That we were over.

And as I continue to move forward I wonder what would have happened if we had tried to work through our issues instead of creating new ones. If we could have gotten over the wounded egos and the bruised pride in order to face the issue head on that we were scared. Because it happened so fast that it made it seem like this was going to fizzle just as quickly.

So my biggest regret will be that I let you walk away.

I let you walk away and made you feel as though I couldn’t care less. But even though this has been a hard lesson to learn, it’s shown me what to accept and what to not from the next person.