Alex Moschina

Well listen, that’s actually why I wanted to talk to you. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I guess I’ll just blurt it out: I think you should get off Facebook. Why? There are plenty of reasons really – not the least of which is the extreme close-up of a veiny bulging stomach that you’ve set as your profile pic – but really it comes down to status updates.

Hey, what if we did a tour with Maroon 5? That would be cool. The MarGOOn 5 Concert Series… something like that. We could take turns headlining each night. I bet Adam would be up for that.

We discovered early on that writing songs – even techno – requires skill. But once we figured out the kick-hat-kick-hat + snare roll formula, things slowly came together. Then when we realized you can drop techno down to 85 beats-per-minute and essentially create ‘80s-style rap beats… well; it all sort of snowballed from there.

Sooo, we good? Nice dog, by the way. What is he? An American pit bull? Is he friendly? Oh. Okay, I’ll keep that in mind next time I see him on your steps. We’re more cat people, ourselves. Though cats can be pretty mean too. Our Persian is real feisty. Check out this scratch on my arm… Brutal, right?

Every time it happens, I’m taken back to ninth-grade swimming class. In those days I wore an oversized Ghost in the Machine t-shirt in the pool to try and conceal my shame. Not that it worked. The fact that I had a shirt on only meant that I had something to hide.

It’s been 500 years since Ponce de León and his cronies putzed around Florida, looking for the Fountain of Youth. And yet, if you look around Palm Beach County today, you might think that search never ended.

Here’s the thing though – we’re really flattered you guys would even ask if you could stay at our house. But I noticed you’ve got a lot of people with you. Did you meet all of them here at the rock club? Or did they come with you from Brooklyn?

Let a girl catch your eye. She has glasses. Or short hair. Maybe both. She’s different from the rest… she shouldn’t be here. Consider asking her for a dance, then telling her you only want to talk. Imagine her intrigue…a man who would rather talk than objectify? Perhaps she consents…perhaps she finds you to be charming… perhaps she gives you her num–