Alana Capri

CAPRICORN: You kick so much ass, it’s a wonder that there are any asses left.

LEO: You cum quickest if there’s a mirror involved.

LEO: In the bedroom, you hold the whip. Schoolteacher, cop, prison warden—these are the roles you were naturally born to play. If he winds up with a few scratches and bruises, that’s what the little boy gets for trying to tussle with a lioness.

PISCES: Nothing. Literally nothing makes you angry. That doesn’t mean you don’t get angry. In fact, you get angry a lot. What it means is that you get angry over nothing.

VIRGO: Nothing makes you laugh harder than hearing about the misfortune of someone you dislike. Remember the guy who bullied you in high school? He just went to prison for tax evasion! LOL!!!

PISCES: You are an extremely loyal friend—that is, up until the moment you find a new lover. Then you forget all about your friends. When you start sleeping with someone, you fall asleep on all your friends.

GEMINI: You’re quite the sour gummy worm. When you get in one of your moods—because everyone knows you have only two—you are one foul, back-stabbing, two-faced bitch.

ARIES: You were born a firecracker with a quarter-inch fuse. You start arguments AND end them, even if the other side has no interest in arguing.

PISCES: You’re such a sweet and kind person, which is why it pains me to tell you that you’re a slob. You will eventually get around to cleaning, but not before making one billion excuses for why you can’t do it right now.

PISCES: You are forgiving—WAY TOO forgiving for your own good. If Gandhi and Mother Teresa had a baby, it would be you.

SCORPIO: Your idea of classy is to get your name written in rhinestones on the back of your stonewashed denim jacket. You’re proud that you have two pairs of UGG boots—one for menial labor, the other for “special occasions.”

GEMINI: You don’t give a f*ck. You don’t even HAVE a f*ck to give. You sold all your f*cks long ago. Someone could hit your emotions with a brick and you still wouldn’t feel anything.