Alana Capri

SCORPIO: Men. Don’t. Know. How. To. Kiss. And half the time their breath is a rancid mixture of smoked fish and salami.

ARIES: You live in fear that you will go through life never having found the person that completes you, never having found The One. What if you die never knowing what real love feels like?

ARIES: You feel a very intense—but also very vague and unspecific—dread. You know there’s something wrong, something that you should be deeply worried about, but you have no idea what it is.

ARIES: Binge-eating until you explode.

Aries: Slowly, then all at once.

Libra: With an open, bleeding heart.

TAURUS: THE BLOATING … There isn’t a girl on Earth who can quite convince herself to enjoy feeling like one of those giant inflatable Macy’s Day Parade balloons.

Anyone can send a text or a Facebook private message. What warms the cockles of your heart are love letters—the old-fashioned kind. Written by hand over pages and pages, each word detailing how much they love you and can’t live without you…

GEMINI: When someone tells you to jump, you don’t ask, “How high?,” you sit down and cross your arms defiantly. When someone politely asks you to lower your voice, you start shouting at the top of your lungs.

LEO: Laziness. Out of all the zodiac signs who are reading this article at the moment, you are the only one who is currently asleep.

LIBRA: You find hidden meaning in things that have absolutely no hidden meaning. I’m not sure whether anyone ever told you this, but sometimes a cucumber is just a cucumber. Sometimes riding a horse is just riding a horse. Sometimes eating a popsicle is just eating a popsicle….

LEO: Even this headline gave you a panic attack. “Is she talking about me? Why is she talking about me? She doesn’t even know me! Why would she single me out in public like this?”

VIRGO: FLOWERS … Fields and fields of endless flowers. Running through those fields of flowers with him. Lying down in those fields of flowers with him. It’s just you, him, and endless fields of flowers.

ARIES: You receive a huge bouquet of flowers from a complete stranger—one who’s so completely strange you honestly have no idea who sent them. You find it creepy and thrilling at the same time. More creepy, actually. No—more thrilling.

SCORPIO: When you’re deeply in love, it causes you tremendous emotional pain to be without your lover for a minute—even if they’re on the toilet! You want to possess your lover like Satan possessed Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

ARIES: DON’T take that job offer. It might seems like a great opportunity, and sure, it’s a LOT more money, but do you really want to move away to a state that smells like cow manure just for a little extra cash?

GEMINI: Brace yourself for an unanticipated expense sometime in the spring. Things will smooth out by the summer, and by the fall you’ll be able to afford that luxury item you’ve been craving for years.

TAURUS: This may be the happiest year of your life. Things will fall in place in unexpected ways. Don’t waste a single minute of 2018—savor every last drop as if it’s the finest creme brûlée.