Quit Your Lame Job And Get A Life

You know who are the truly privileged?  It’s not the men pulling down seven-figure salaries, it’s their wives who don’t work yet enjoy all the indulgences of wealth like Chardonnay for breakfast, Botox for lunch and late afternoon Pilates.  With money comes pleasure, so long as you have the time to enjoy it.

If you have enough money and lots of time, then you don’t have to sell your soul to Goldman Sachs in order to live like a rich housewife.  What do you do need is some source of income that will at least pay the rent and monthly minimum on the Neiman Marcus charge card.  In an ideal world, this might come from a trust fund or indulgent successful lover (AKA sugar momma/daddy), but assuming you possess neither of these, you must make other arrangements.

The idea is to find work both dignified that will help parlay you higher into the social stratosphere and leave plenty of freedom to pursue your creative endeavors and leisure activities.  Nothing will make you feel quite as poor as slaving away all week for the man only to receive a paycheck that leaves just enough money for the tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream at Trader Joe’s which you’ll spend all weekend morosely digging into in an attempt to dig yourself out of work depression.

Most young people who take entry-level jobs become consumed by their work.  For five days a week their time does not belong to them, but is bought for a menial hourly wage.  At various low points in my life I briefly held positions that required my presence in an office beginning from the ungodly hour of 9:30AM.  This meant that I had to wake up by 8 in order to shower, eat and get ready.  I joined the crush of commuters during rush hour, exhausted by the time I arrived at prison – I mean work.  The notion that I was supposed to sit at a desk for eight hours confused me.  What if I wanted to take a walk or go on a long lunch?  All of this made me terribly depressed and no amount of money could make it worthwhile.  I fantasized about jobs that would liberate me from this purgatory, wishing that I were a woman so that I could donate my ovaries to reproductively challenged couple in exchange for a handsome fortune.  When a career in pornography seemed more palatable (being screwed on a desk once in a while instead of screwed daily at a desk), I knew it was time to pack my cardboard box and skedaddle.

Ideally your work should enable you to live pleasurably while not overtaking your life, especially if it is only something you’re doing while waiting for your true career break.   With that in mind, it is always best to work for yourself whenever talent and opportunity permit.  Being self-employed has the benefits of deciding your own work hours, conditions, and salary.  Even if you make so little money as to qualify for food stamps, you’ll still feel far superior your cubicle-contained contemporaries when you wake up at 10, take a luxuriously long shower then spend the next hour petting your dog or painting your nails.

Some jobs you might consider are:

• Model – Provided you’re blessed with genetic perfection, this is a great job to have while you’re young.  The work is well remunerated and comes with the added perks of free clothes, haircuts and travel.

• Spin / yoga instructor / personal trainer – Besides being able to create your own schedule, you stay in great shape and meet wealthy clients who become dependent on you to make them look and feel good.  This is one of the best jobs to meet a rich spouse (see Alec Baldwin, Madonna, et al.).

• Lifestyle consultant – This is a rather nebulous profession that allows you to exert a Rasputin-like control over your client where you tell them how to eat, dress, and live.  Build a devoted client base and the sky is the limit for how much you can charge to be someone’s personal Svengali.

Even better is something that you can do remotely, allowing you to work from anywhere in the world.  These jobs are not the easiest to come by, but they are the jackpot if you can find them.  Some such positions include social media content managers, freelance writers, and if those ubiquitous online comments are to be believed, posting links on various sites.

Remember, money is fabulous but you can’t put a price on freedom.