So It’s Your Birthday On Facebook

It’s your birthday today! Happy birthday! Smiley face, wink face, happy face, any face at all because this is Facebook and you can’t see me anyway. Have a great day, have an awesome night, get wasted, get excited, hope it’s a good one!

It’s your birthday but I haven’t talked to you since we left undergrad but I always liked you. Happy birthday comma your first name! Like this post tomorrow so I know we’re still good. Hey it’s been a while! Yeah it has been! Hope you’ve been great, I catch your updates and all seems good.

We slept together a few times and now it’s your birthday! We didn’t have too much in common which is why we probably didn’t ever become actual friends but I sure did enjoy spending time with you, if you know what I mean. Oh, you do. Okay. Hope you have another good year of whatever it is you do with your life. I’d rather not actually go through the motions of discussing it though so you get a standard greeting with no extras. Unless the sex was boring in which case I will probably say nothing.

Happy birthday to, I don’t know, Cristine something, John from that place, Sam whose gender I can’t even identify from your name. It’s your special day! Sorry I have no clue who you are. How did we become Facebook friends? Did you add me sometime? Did we go to school together? Did you get married and change your last name? Nevermind, I don’t care. Today is your special day, I am on your page for the first time I can remember so I’m going to spare you my own impending birthday by deleting you now.

Congratulations, Internet friend! It’s your special day! At some point we transitioned from IRL to Facebook and I occasionally catch your profile photo updates. You seem much happier than your internet persona might let on, which is really nice, and I am happy for you. I already liked your tweet I don’t want to push it but if we follow each other on multiple platforms I might leave a comment just to be consistent.

Happy birthday to my ex’s ex! After our mutual ex and I broke up I got real angsty and decided that it’d be a good idea for us to hook up. The sex wasn’t particularly memorable and even though you’re a nice guy it hurts a little bit to see your name pop up. I don’t want to talk to you so I am going to ignore you but you’re not a bad person so I don’t need to delete you. Even though I deleted our mutual ex years ago. Happy birthday to you, sending mental energy your way, care of my embarrassed twenty-two year old self.

Aww, babe, Happy birthday! Anything not in person seems disingenuous and I woke up next to you this morning but I want your friends to know I really love you so here is a little comment with a heart or something. I love you, happy birthday, baby.

It’s my birthday! I thought about changing the date in my profile but part of me wants the attention. Besides you can’t actually expect people to remember everyone’s birthday. This is a public service to my lesser friends. Am I petty? I am not petty. 53 comments. Thanks for all the birthday greetings! I am having a great day, like this status so your birthday wishes stand out that much more! 128 comments. I’m awesome. Happy birthday to me.