I thought only ugly people were murderers. Why are all of these hot men getting into it now? It used to be that if you picked a good-looking husband, you could pretty much guarantee he wouldn’t kill you. Not anymore though! God, is anything sacred?

Congratulations on reaching this most exciting stage in your life! In the next several weeks/months you will be working on the most fascinating projects that we could not assign to existing employees. These projects often regard analyzing details that would be important if they were actually important to anyone within this company. Do you understand…

You can be close with women in an intense and amazing way. Half of the reason why women are so guarded with men is because they constantly feel like they’re trying to get into their pants. Since sex isn’t a possibility, you can enjoy a rich beautiful friendship between the genders!

Perhaps the seminal depression food, Letting Go and eating a Cinnabon is perhaps one of the most saturated-fat- and chemically-induced consolations you can achieve after your self-loathing has reached incalculable highs…

In today’s collegiate world, being “pre-med” can mean several things to the dazed and confused undergraduate. I might be 90% wrong because I like to make radical, offensive generalizations — but here are a few ideas.