Collective World

A Few Ways To Get Out of Awkward Thanksgiving Conversations

Start choking and get up to get a drink. Interpret this how you like. 

By

Craig Adderley

Are you being asked why you are single for the trillionth time? Are you being asked exactly what you do all day at your job? Are you being guilt tripped for one of a thousand possible reasons?

You need some awkward conversation emergency cord pulls!

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Don’t even go.

If you must go, here are your options:

2. Start choking and get up to get a drink. Interpret this how you like. You could either get up to go get a drink from the kitchen or a drink from the grocery store across town.

3. Encourage someone else to choke so you can save them and look like the hero. Pass them all the rolls with absolutely no butter and hide their drink. (Make sure you know the Heimlich maneuver beforehand.  This is not a learn-on-the-job kind of thing.)

4. Get up to go help the host. They will be grateful for the help and you will come off looking like the perfect guest. If you can’t look like the hero, at least look like the perfect guest.

5. If you are near an open window and you are more than one story off the ground, repel down the side of the wall Tom Cruise style.

6. If you are near an open window and only one story off the ground, just jump. Don’t be a baby.

7. Go into anaphylactic shock. This is easy to pull off if you have a peanut allergy because that one is never questioned. If you don’t have any food allergies, good luck. You can always try to make one up. Surely someone could be allergic to cranberry sauce, right?

8. Start a food fight. This is a classic typically reserved for academic atmospheres in ’80s movies.  However, I think it’s time to bring this oldie, but goodie back on home.  Only use food that you don’t like.  It would be a tragedy to waste mashed potatoes when you could use that nasty congealed gelatin fruit salad disaster for launching.

Hopefully you, dear reader, will have a great Thanksgiving by avoiding the awkward and getting your choice part of the turkey.  Also, your choice seat at the big table.  No one wants to sit at the kiddie table.  Don’t be late.