I Guess I Will Never Know What We Were

We will never know what we were. You came into my life when I was learning to love myself again. I thought I was ready for something new. Someone new.

You had dark hair, dark brown eyes and a beautiful smile. You came off not ordinary but extraordinary. All I wanted was someone who would be there for me. Who would listen to me talk about my day, support me and admire me. I would do the same for them.

In the first couple of weeks you would text me every day. Write me long paragraphs, reply within minutes or even seconds. Message me on multiple apps at the same time. I started to feel special reading your daily messages and messages those told me how amazed you were by me.

I still remember the first time I was certain that this was going to be something real. Something beautiful. It was when you held me as we walked down a steep hill. It was cold and you wrapped your arms around me and made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.

After that day something changed about you. I was filled with hope and ideas that we were going to be spontaneous. Meanwhile, you were becoming distant. Every week you began to become more distant. You began to text less, became more “busy” and couldn’t spend time with me as much. I took all the excuses and kept giving myself hope that you were just “busy”.

However, after weeks of fake hope and lies it became clear that you did not want this spontaneous thing. You were spending time at a beach and having dinner with your friends. Yes, you were “busy”.

Why did you become distant? Were you afraid that this was becoming real. That I wanted you to be my knight in shining armor or that I wanted more. Was I not good enough for you? Did you ever for a second think I was not pretty enough? That if you introduced me to your friends and family that they would judge your taste and not like me. Were you afraid of relationships? Or Are you just afraid of a relationship with me? Was I not good as the last girl?

For days, months and weeks I have questioned myself on this. I will never know what it was that we had. Did you for a second ever think of someone you would want to be with? Did you ever think that we be extraordinary?

That the thing when people begin to change in a relationship of any sort it leaves us with questions. It makes us question ourselves and the other person. It affects us in ways and aspects that build delusions in our head.

You did not hurt me. You left me confused. If only I knew if it was my fault that you became distant. Was it my personality or the way I looked that drove you away? Or was it the wrong time and wrong place?

I guess I will never know.