Some Things That Were More Significant Than I Care To Admit

We often dismiss many moments in our lives as seemingly insignificant. Sometimes we do this unintentionally in the blink of an eye. Other times, we purposefully downplay the situation or try to erase it from our brains in hopes of saving ourselves from torturous reruns. Mostly, I’m guilty of that last one: desperately trying to pull the memories from my mind so that they don’t kill me over time.

Yet, there are so many moments in my life that remain in the dark corners of my brain, memories that are more significant than I’d ever like to admit.

Like all the male genitalia that I’ve seen but can never forget. From the blurry bits on webcams to forced encounters to that veiny one that “turns to the left,” they all significantly impacted the way I see men (and Polish sausages) today.

Or the hours of my life spent completely and utterly alone. I still remember the entire year that I spent every recess in this cement tunnel so that the teachers wouldn’t see me crying, and all the uneaten meals in 5th grade that I threw away so I could escape the noisy cafeteria filled with tables where I wasn’t allowed to sit. I told anyone who asked that it wasn’t a big deal, but in reality it’s why my biggest fear today is being alone.

The rejections.

The clothes that never fit.

The comfort and confidence I feel when I wear all black.

The way that one beautiful woman let me down ever so gently when I confessed my love.

The countless people who hold doors open for me.

Cashiers who smile and tell me to “have a great day” on those mornings when I’m contemplating death.

Teachers who took a chance on me.

The way my best friend says she loves me and genuinely means it.

The truth is, every moment of our lives is more significant than we typically care to admit. Even the briefest chance encounters impact our emotions and our thoughts in some form or fashion. To write off a single day in our lives or any breath we take as meaningless or insignificant is cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve… what I deserve.

So, it’s time to start embracing each moment and experience life with my eyes wide open for the first time ever. It’s time to activate and indulge all my senses and fully participate in each breath I take. Everything is more significant than I previously cared to admit, but today I choose the path less taken, the path of seeing the true connection of the universe and all that it provides to me.

To fight reality is hell, and I’m ready to climb out and start living.