10 Fun Ways To Let Your Crush Know You’re Into Them This Valentine’s Day

1. Follow Van Gogh’s example. Why send dick pics when you can just cut off and send your actual dick? Bonus points if you dip it in chocolate first.

2. Take them dumpster diving. Nothing says “I love you” like free food. The hours they’ll spend on the toilet the next day will give them plenty of time to think about you.

3. Surprise them with a gift. A chew toy, perhaps? Dogs are loyal after all. So are you.

4. Poetry. There is nothing more romantic than taking the time to put your feelings for another human being into words. Try insulting them in rhyme.

5. Try a different approach. Instead of passing notes, try passing gas. Why blow kisses when you can just blow your affection for them out of your asshole?

6. Stay in direct contact. Why call or text them when you can just hide and communicate with them from the bushes in front of their house? Gift them with the sense of security in knowing that someone is always watching over them. Bonus points in the case of a robbery, they will find comfort in the assurance that you saw the entire thing.

7. Give them some unique jewelry. Charm bracelets are cute, but they’ve got nothing on handcuffs. This way, you two will be together always, and you get to be the literal charm hanging off of their wrist. How sweet!

8. Give them your undivided attention. The best way to do this is by eliminating all other forms of distraction. You can achieve this through isolation. There’s no nicer place to talk than in an open, empty field, miles away from any sign of human life.

9. Stargaze with them. Point out the constellation that looks like the knife you will use to kill anyone who tries to come between the two of you. They will be flattered by your commitment to making things work between the two of you.

10. Be consistent. When you say you’re gonna call them, do it. Keep calling until they pick up. If they change their number or file a restraining order against you, don’t lose hope. They’re just playing hard to get. And remember: If this year doesn’t work out, there’s always next Valentine’s Day.