A Letter To Myself: Remember, You Are Always Growing

Let’s be real fair with yourself here, you’re a goddamn mess and you’re doing all that you can to hide it. I don’t know why. My heart has tightly sealed her lid and refuses to be filled or emptied. Slowly, the fireflies go silent and its peaceful compared to the constant buzzing and fluttering.

The silence becomes eerier the longer it persists. A numbness steeps in my blood. I don’t feel the softness of the world. Everything seems so cold and mundane. There is nothing that livens my fireflies. My bones feel exhausted before even gearing up for battle. Misery asks me not to abandon her, to warm her with my flame for a little while longer.

I’m tired of her. She makes me feel awful. She’s blinded me from the way the world glows with goodness and beauty. I know what the world is and I want to feel it. There is only cold and mundane where you expect it. The compass needle of your soul predetermined its outcome.

I swear, you feel everything so immensely that the average day alters you. You’re so malleable. Nothing escapes you. You sink the teeth of your heart into everything— whether it be sour or bitter or upsetting you feel it, because someone needs to. Change can’t happen if we don’t feel the sickness— or sweetness of the world.

Somehow, moving like this doesn’t damage you. It’s how you thrive. You continue to get better every day. You don’t always see it. You’re so focused on all the world’s problems that need attention, that you forget to reflect too. You forget to say I’m proud of you. You forget to appreciate the effort you put into anything you do.

Day to day you evolve, you can take the simplest experiences of your day and turn them into character building lessons. That is magnificent, wonderful, fantastic and beautiful. You can see the way others look at you; your heart and soul glimmer in your soft eyes. You can see the way you invite others in— the warmth you give off. You just have this thing about you and people can’t seem to pull their eyes from. Once you trap them in your orbit, they’re stuck. They never wander far because they’re too curious to unveil the enigma that you are.

You laugh more than anyone I know. You have such a goofy, corny, sometimes incredibly clever, sense of humor. You have this laugh that’s so rhythmic and makes the sun blush. It’s SO contagious. It overflows and oozes with bliss. Laugh when you want to, but mean it. Don’t laugh if it’s not authentic.

Be more gentle with yourself, sometimes we lose relationships and we trick ourselves into believing that they take some of us when they leave. They don’t. You are you, with or without the people in our life. They give a hidden part of us permission to be free and love wildly, but they do not take those traits with them when they leave. You also have to understand not everything will be the same, there will be some things that won’t ever return to how they were. That is the most beautiful and cruel thing that time can do.

You will only continue to get better. I swear to god, because that’s all you know how to do.