‘WTF Ryan Murphy’ And 10 Other Thoughts We Had During Episode 9 Of ‘AHS: Apocalypse’

Ryan Murphy is dangerously close to catching these hands.

What is actually happening? Did this episode leak early, because before I could even get through the opening credits all kinds of spoilers (in all screenshot proof glory) were popping up on Twitter, and everyone acted likes it was normal.

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Wilhemina Venable—tired of being kept powerless and in the dark by her cokehead supervisors—tenders her resignation in a huff.

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Venable is a boss ass bitch who needs to write her own follow-up to Lean In.

Michael popping up after the witches cast their protection spell:

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As it turns out, all the expert spell-casting in New Orleans isn’t match for one voodoo queen doing evil arts and crafts on the porch.

So, Dinah won’t sacrifice a baby for immortality, but she is down to murder an entire coven of teenage girls for 13 episodes of television with a post-apocalyptic audience of four?

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There is no way this is the first time Satan has greenlit a TV deal. Looking at you, Two and a Half Men.

So, that celebrity chef who was eating honey-glazed-people on the beach in episode three had to have been on her cooking segment at least once, right?

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Zoey and Queenie’s souls when Cordelia tried to bring them back:

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Cordelia making a plan to strike back against Michael, when she realized she couldn’t bring her girls back.

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So The Cooperative is actually the Illuminati.

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This episode is all about short-term thinking and, after Dinah, Michael is the biggest perpetrator—way too fixated on killing the witches, and totally ignoring the part where he’s supposed to bring on the apocalypse, much to the frustration of the techies who are watching the bloodbath at the academy through Mead’s robot eyeballs. So, after Michael reveals that his plan for the end of days is plagiarized entirely from the plot of The Omen 3 (which is like the worst of the Omens) the guys realize that they need to hedge their bets. They ultimately introduce him to the Cooperative (who are really the Illuminati, with a rebrand), for which they are members, and allude to the existence of an easily hackable Russian missile defense system that’ll blast civilization into nuclear winter.

This was a fairly disappointing explanation for how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with multiple bowl cuts.

Every time Myrtle offhandedly mentions that a random famous woman in history was secretly a witch:

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While hiding out at Misty’s swamp cabin the last remaining members of the coven attempt to concoct a last-ditch plan to thwart the apocalypse. Mallory is discovered to be a rare witch with the power to go back in time and alter the past, as I predicted in my recap last week. Her test run is a quick trip back to the Bolshevik revolution, where she’s supposed to save Anastasia Romanov—who it turns out was a witch. Unfortunately, it only half works; Mallory “pierces the veil” and travels back in time to Russia, but fails to hold out long enough to save young Anastasia. Cordelia thinks she knows why and says she wants to commit suicide so that Mallory can come into her power—because everyone still assumes she is the next Supreme—presumably to travel back in time and, what are we thinking? Kill the Antichrist as a baby? Is that really where we’re going with this, the would you go back in time and kill Hitler as a child dilemma?

When you realize the reason why all the outposts failed in the future is because the apocalypse was designed by a moody teenager with daddy issues who’s prone to temper tantrums:

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Trying to figure out if this season was actually good, or if Ryan Murphy bamboozled us by bringing back our favorite characters:

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Thoughts & Predictions

I hate that they made the witches helpless—they’re a lot of things, chief among them being strong and capable survivors. If we learned nothing else from Coven it was that crossing any one of those girls was a mistake, even when they were teenagers still learning what they were capable of. Having Zoey die, because all she could do was throw a handful of rocks at her attacker, and Queenie go so soon after being brought back (on top of being disgustingly underutilized this season) was such a slap in the face of every fan of AHS. When you compare this school shooting scene to the one in the first season, you realize just how poorly this one was done. Watching the helplessness of the students in the library as Tate knocked off each one without a second thought, was so abrupt and shocking, it encapsulated a real fear that all of us have in today’s climate. Having each of the witches die this time around was just boring, tragedy porn. If the girls have to die, have them go out swinging. Make it a real fight. Have Zoe and Queenie die in a hail of bullets, blocking their students with their bodies till their last breath.

That slap that Cordelia gave Madison was so reductive and everything I hated about season three—women who should be standing together against their enemies, instead focusing on petty matters.

I still don’t think Mallory is the next Supreme, and any hope I have that they will pull off an episode worthy of giving Madison the mantle is waning. I feel like there’s too much to shoehorn into the penultimate episode, and I’m getting nervous this will be Freakshow all over again.

IDK, maybe they will surprise us all, and have Lady Gaga show up as the first Supreme to help save the world—honestly, it’s anyone’s guess at this point.