Tonight, I’m Finally Letting You Go

Yesterday I smiled. I laughed, I danced. I went to a party, I talked to people, I made new friends. Your name didn’t slip from my lips, your face didn’t cross my mind.

Tonight I laid next to a man who wasn’t you, I rode in his car, I learned things about him. I looked into his eyes, I traced my fingers across his flesh.

Yesterday I didn’t see you. You weren’t there. You didn’t consume my entire being. The moments I thought of you were fleeting, I remembered things we did, but I didn’t stay in those moments, I remained in the moment I was in.

Yesterday I let someone else into my life. I told him things, I trusted him. I let him kiss my lips, and touch my body. He called me beautiful, he told me I was cute, he asked about my scars. He looked into my eyes in a way that I knew he was lost in them.

Yesterday I realized that other men existed and you weren’t the only man in the world.

Yesterday I was reminded that I am enough, that I am worthy, that I am loveable. That I have a good heart, that I am smart, and funny, and kind.

And today as I laid myself down to sleep, I said goodnight to him. And I looked at my phone and saw his texts filling the place yours used to. Of course he doesn’t replace you. This relationship is new and different. But he did bandage a wound that you inflicted.

As I lay here in bed, it’s bittersweet. For two months I’ve been needing to let you go. But it was brutal, and at times felt completely hopeless.

As time went on I thought of you less and less. Tears turned into anger turned into healing. My blood pressure returned to normal, the dizziness and darkness looming over my head disappeared. I’ve been able to drink from the tea cup you left me without filling it with tears. I’ve listened to your songs without breaking down. I’ve missed you in ways that don’t cause me anguish. I’ve reflected on the good, the bad, and everything in between.

Tonight, in my heart and mind, I’m wishing you well. I hope that one day I’ll see your smiling face again. I hope I’ll know that the frustrations and shortcomings in our relationship blew over like the leaves of the maple trees outside. Autumn has once again reminded me that letting go can be beautiful.

Tonight I wished on a star; not harm. But that you had moved on too. Tonight I let you go. And I reclaimed a bit of myself that I had lost in you.