I Don’t Wanna Be Pretty Anymore

I wanted to be the pretty girl back in college.

I would put so much effort on my physical appearance. Buy all these expensive make up my poor allowance can’t afford. I would apply layers of concealer, thick eyeliner, and lipstick on my face just to look beautiful. I was insecure, with my face, body — every single detail about me. I don’t love it. I hate how my face would always have acne, how I have dark circles. Oh and don’t get me started with my body, I was super thin, and not the fit-sexy thin, weak thin. I’m tall so you’d notice it more. My hair, it was dry and frizzy. I wanted clear skin & wanted to gain weight. I wanted to be beautiful. But I would look at myself, and I know I just can’t. So I would study more, harder, if I can’t be pretty, then I have to be smart. But all I got was empty awards and recognition. Back then, I thought it matters. It doesn’t.

Over time I learn, I can be a beautiful human being. I can love my flaws and accept my shortcomings. I can embrace my body and not shame it. I can take care of my skin and be confident enough to not conceal it with make-up. I can let my dry, frizzy, hair out in the open. I can see all these things & still be proud. Instead of being ashamed & trying so hard to look like someone I’m not.

And as I turn 24, all the more it gets stronger, the realization, that being pretty & school-smart are just outward variables. I may have been smart, but I had no substance. I may look at myself and do so many things to look pretty but still had no purpose.

Now, I don’t wanna be pretty anymore. I wanna be someone with a purpose, a stand, someone who believes in something and fights for it. I wanna be someone who cares, someone who loves, someone who encourages and lifts people up. I wanna have substance, a deeper understanding of this world and the human beings in it. I wanna have a beautiful life, not just a pretty face.