We Are Constantly Breaking And Building All At Once

I know a young woman my age. When you look at her at first, you won’t notice any particular odd thing about her. However, when you look closer at her, you will notice she is in pain. Lots of pain.

Her eyes seem to be always wandering off when she is walking down the streets with her purse dangling around her shoulders. Her eyes have indescribable colors, not just one color — like hazelnut brown or ocean blue — it was a mix of colors, just like from a painter’s canvas. When a ray of sunshine shines through it, a reflection of her past shows itself. Like an opened door, welcoming you to let you in her past; in her stories of what has made her become the woman, she is these days.

She described the color black from her eyes as the most comforting one.

“Why?” I had asked her.

“At first, you will feel terrified by the darkness, but once you get accustomed by it, it’s actually not that terrifying.

In the dark, no one can judge you because they can’t see what you look like.

Hurting words often begin because of one’s appearance. It seems to have the ability to eliminate that ugly part of humans. How wonderful would that be if that’s possible?

And secondly, because of the fact that we can’t see anything around us, thus it is harder for us to connect to others because we can’t look into each other’s eyes — seeing their own truth and beliefs. We will feel alone, even lonely at times. Everyone — including the ones who have caused others to feel lonely — will feel as lonely as the rest. And maybe even worse, because they have never felt that before. It teaches us to be grateful for those who care about us, for those who want to be around us. And most importantly, not to bully others, causing them to feel lonely, as if their destiny is to be laughed at, to be mocked at and to be ignored at. Thus, everyone deserves to feel the exact pain, to taste their own medicine for they have caused others pain. Hopefully, that will make everyone a bit kinder to each other and understand how important it is that we are not divided by mere appearance.

That’s why I like the color black. Even though it is a dark and sad place to be. If you stay there long enough and you believe in yourself and luck is on your side, then it has great potential to bring out the best of you; bringing you back to a brighter color.

Black is the most empathic color there is, for most detest the color.

“And why is that part of your eyes colorless? As if there is missing a part?”

“You are correct. It is missing a part from my eye. It used to be there until someone took it away from me. Since the moment it has vanished into thin air, I am trying my very best to obtain it back. But I found out that it’s not possible. It’s gone, forever. And it’s forever imprinted in my eye, reminding me who took it away”

“And have you found another way to fill it in?”

“Yes, by building new colorful memories. Memories which are strong enough to fill in that gaping hole in my eye. I know it’s not possible to replace it, but I’m not planning to. After years of trying, I know it’s not possible to replace it with other happier moments or just trying to forget it by bury it with other previous brighter days. It’s too powerful and an experience which has its own story. It deserved to be told and to be remembered as it has shaped me into the person of today. Not all happy memories shaped us as a person, you need the dark memories too to feel whole. The colorless part is just a color we still do not have a name for. But it’s just part of the canvas.

It is a part we often refuse to admit we have because it causes — what appears like holes in our eyes — which in reality are just colorless parts.

Don’t forget we are all building from molecules and atoms. When a part of us breaks off, another part is already working on to build us up again. We are always breaking and building at the same time. Whole and broken at the same time. Isn’t that beautifully sad?’’

Yes indeed, I thought. I took a last look at the mirror at my peculiar eyes before I made my entrance into the outside world.

They were beautifully sad. Broken and whole at the same time.