I Don’t Miss You Like I Thought I Would

I thought I would miss you. 

I thought that every time I went to bed I would miss you sleeping next to me with a box of banana chips.

I thought I would miss how you’d write me love notes and make me tea in the morning.

I thought I would miss the way our friendship evolved over time, years and years of growing close to your family.

I thought I would miss the way we would plan our Friday nights, how you’d meet me in the gym parking lot and we would take one car to go take on the night.

I thought I would miss the way we would inspire each other, how encouragement was our own secret language.

I thought I would miss the way we healed together, how we would dress each others’ wounds and care for one another when we were sick in bed.

I thought I would miss you, your companionship, your loyalty, and your friendship.

The truth is, I don’t miss you. I don’t miss you like I thought I would. 

I don’t miss the inconsistency of you choosing harmful things for yourself.

I don’t miss the way you didn’t know how to love yourself, how you’d give in to disrespect just because you were lonely.

I don’t miss your inability to communicate, how to really speak your Truth.

I don’t miss being around someone who was going in the opposite direction as me. I don’t miss who I used to be, what I used to stand for, and what I used to tolerate.

I have realized that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how badly you want to maintain your connection with them, and no matter how much effort you put into it; if you don’t miss the person you were when you were around them, then you will never be able to miss them either.