An Open Letter To My Social Anxiety

I hate that you rule my life. When did you become my puppet master? Pulling my strings every waking moment of my life. How did you become my captor? Holding me for ransom as I try every second, to break free of the power that you have over me.

You have all the power over me: so you have no idea how it feels to remain a victim at your own hands. Because that’s the truth there are two versions of me: the one that is constantly battling to stand tall and the one who keeps me locked away in chains where I will remain. I am, forever, fighting myself.

You will never understand the frustration I feel whenever I am too anxious to raise my hand in question, shaking so vigorously, it is visible. You will never know why I feel so proud of myself for simply getting out of bed in the morning or feel accomplished when I make plans with people, instead of creating an excuse as to why I cannot go, even though I will just stay in bed all night long.

Honestly, it feels like abuse; this relationship we have and I want nothing more than to break the cycle.

…day by day, I have bigger and bigger victories: answering the phone, trying to follow through with plans, going a different route and even coughing in quiet places. I no longer feel like I have to avoid meeting my boyfriend’s parents or making new friends. I don’t feel so self-conscious in my own skin anymore and don’t feel like I have to walk with my eyes only watching my feet- as they walk with quickened haste before anyone recognizes me.

One day, we will be equals and I won’t be bound by vicious chains.

One day, I’ll be free.