In Defense Of Horribly Average People

Although it is unfathomable for us to comprehend, there are people in this very world who are incredibly mediocre in every imaginable way. These people — let’s put my private college intellect to use and call them plebeians — are unlike you or I. They do not look the same, act the same, or like the same things, and yet they share the same airspace. Incredible.

These people have not recognized the benefits of sustainable meat. Under the guise of being unable to afford high-quality, grain-fed, hormone free beef, they buy their meat at a discount superstore. The plebeians neither know nor care that this beef is flash frozen and shipped from China. They are only interested in saving a buck so that they can afford to keep their energy inefficient lights on. Such a shame.

These people, due to the classic cause of “not knowing any better,” listen to the radio. These twenty-something women sing along spiritedly to Colbie Caillat — and not ironically at a dive karaoke bar like we do when we go slumming. They’ve never heard the tepid, melodic sounds of Lana del Rey, and they’ve never flown down the highway in an Audi convertible listening to Crystal Castles. The plebeians pay to see Three Doors Down live, but don’t post witty comments on Facebook about how sh-tty the concert is (but in a totally funny, shitty way, of course).

Have you ever gone to an outdoor music festival (duh) and worn a super patriotic cut-off t-shirt to distinguish yourself from all of the other clowns there who are wearing Urban Outfitters? (I mean, you like Urban Outfitters, but not all the time — so overdone). Well, the average, mediocre people wear the cutoff American flag tees to actually be patriotic. Which is so weird, right? They wear them to all kinds of events — football games, strawberry festivals, graduation parties. Every potential mediocre event you can think of. The plebs don’t even go around pointing out to everyone that they’re wearing a patriotic tee. What’s the point?

Though it is really pathetic to consider, some of these normal families eat at chain restaurants. They don’t care about the gimmicky appeal of a lighthouse themed seafood restaurant that can be found in 247 cities across the U.S. They don’t care that they live 928 miles from the nearest ocean. They go to these restaurants under the pretense of wanting to have a nice evening out with their family, which is so bogus, because if they really loved their family, they would take them to that co-op restaurant down the street and let them taste real food. So what if its double the money for half the portion? So what if they have to hit the drive-thru on the way home because no one got full.

Finally — and this is the scariest part — some of these terribly mediocre people have college degrees, like you and I. Some of them went to school to be nurses, and computer software specialists, and English teachers. And then they woke up one morning, decided to get married, have kids, and move to the burbs. Some of them buy their napkin rings at Pier 1. Some of them have African safari themed bathrooms, even though they’ve never been to Africa. They don’t have record players, or French press coffee pots. They buy one another digital picture frames for Christmas. They watch American Idol. They love reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. They don’t veil their feelings with sarcasm and opt instead to be sincere and gracious. Which is the ultimate in pathetic.

That being said, this is a defense of those pathetic, average, unexceptional, normal people, so here it goes:

These people, the plebeians may not be as different as we think.

I bet they still cry when their boyfriends dump them.
I bet they still talk to their dogs in baby voices.
I bet they still love their moms more than anything else in the whole world.

I bet some of them might even be kind, generous, good people.