Warnings For My Future Wife

To whom I’m certain, this will concern someday:

I have some tendencies that could be perceived in a negative fashion. Instead of contributing to the growing divorce rate, I’d rather you see these potential deal breakers in advance, far before we tie the knot. Here is a smorgasbord of my flaws:

I scare easily. E.g. As a 20-something man, when Paranormal Activity 3 previews would come on television at night, I would lunge for the remote and change the channel. I’m not ashamed.

I have THE WORST MEMORY EVER. That’s actually an understatement, but there are no words in the English language to explain just how forgetful I can be. It’s probably going to seem like I’m an awful listener, but I assure you that’s not the case. I’m fantastic at hearing all of your comments, concerns, requests, etc. — I’m just not capable of retaining more than two percent of what you’ve said for any longer than five minutes. The phrase, “Can you remind me to _______?” should never be directed toward me, ever. Simply put: I don’t remember ANYTHING.

I hate bugs. All of them. Here’s fair warning, if we see a cockroach in the bathroom, I’m not even going to attempt to kill it[1]. It’s important that we take preventative measures in advance to make certain that critters are kept to a minimum. We’ll spray outside to secure the perimeter, leave those poisoned roach baits in select spots and keep crumbs and spills to a minimum. On the plus side, I am willing to kill select insects, including but not limited to: ants, tiny spiders, moths, houseflies and in some rare cases, crickets.

I tend to be cheesy. I mean reeeally cheesy. Sorry, but I’ve seen a ton of rom-coms[2] and they’ve had a lasting effect on me. Just know that occasionally the cheese oozes out and it’s beyond my control.

I break more stuff than I’m capable of fixing. At times I can be a smidgen clumsy, which often results in random objects being broken. Whether it’s a dish, the lever on the recliner chair, the car, or the sink; you spend enough time around me and you will most definitely deal with an abnormal amount of “out of order” signs. The plus side, however, is that I will attempt to fix anything and everything. Sure, it often goes awry because I have the repairing abilities of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, but what I lack in skill, I make up for in effort. Google and persistence are often enough to fix any damage without calling a pricey repairman. Another positive: The one thing that I’ll never break is your heart. Oops, there’s that cheesiness I warned you about, forgive me.

I cry on some occasions. Three occasions, specifically:

1. When someone close to me passes away.
2. When I see others struggling due to circumstances beyond their control.
3. When that Sarah McLachlan Animal Cruelty commercial comes on.

Most of the time Occasionally I’m really cheap smart at shopping. I take great pride in being a frugal grocery shopper. I’m capable of taking 50 bucks and turning it into a fully stocked refrigerator & pantry. The downside? I invest in a lot of off brand products. ‘Fruit Rings’ aren’t quite as delicious as ‘Fruit Loops’ but for $2 less and 4 oz. more, I’ll take ‘em! I understand if there are certain things that you prefer to purchase the name brand of. I’m a firm believer that Kraft cheese is top shelf quality and anything else is subpar. Aside from groceries, eating out is another situation I put my cheap-skates on for. Simple cutbacks can make a bill reasonable; ordering water instead of a soda saves moolah and calories, which is a no brainer.

My firm no farting rule. It isn’t cute or amusing at all. I’m not sure who created this notion that passing gas on or around each other signifies some type of milestone in a relationship’s strength, but they are wrong. I won’t fart near you, you don’t fart near me and we’ll both breathe in peace.

I can’t cook. Not even a little bit. I’m not one of those guys who expect dinner preparation to be handled strictly by the woman. Unfortunately, due to my zero cooking abilities, I can only contribute so much. If you need someone to boil water, preheat the oven, add a dash of salt or set the table — I’m your guy. Anything else and you’re playing with fire… Literally; I’ve started dozens of kitchen infernos making things as simple as grilled cheese sandwiches.

When my sports teams lose, so does everyone around me. I can’t help it, my passion as a fan gets the best of me from time to time and I radiate negativity after tough losses. DOUBLE WARNING: I’m a Chicago Cubs fan so be prepared for some serious pessimism every year during baseball season.

I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day. Sorry, but it’s man made and the concept of being nice to your partner one random day out of the year is preposterous. Although, when I was a kid my siblings and I didn’t celebrate Halloween/go trick or treating, but my parents still provided us with boatloads of candy so we didn’t feel too left out. I may do something similar for you, potential wife.

If I ever happen to run into Rashida Jones or Alison Brie, all bets are off. Relax, I’m just kidding[3].

As bad as all those things may sound, I’d like to list a few positives as well, just to balance things out.

• I shower AT LEAST twice a day, everyday.
• #I #never #use #hashtags #on #Twitter. That’s got to count for something. #Right?
• I just love waiting for a girl, no matter how long it takes, while she does her shopping[4].
• I enjoy Bradley Cooper just as much as you do, but in a straight way.
• I’m one of the most accurate pissers ever; not a single drop on the seat since ’95. As a result of my precision, I never have to lift the seat up to urinate.