9 Ways To Tell If The Person You Are Trying To Sleep With Is Homeless Or Just An Aspiring Comedian

1. Does everything they say to you sound rehearsed?

Pay attention to the wording here, because both a homeless person and an aspiring comedian will bombard you by rattling off personal details from the get-go. When they tell you “I don’t drink or do drugs” is it more solemn like A) “I’ve just been to rehab” or does it have a tone of self-deprecation to it, like B) “I’ve never really lived or had fun”? If your answer is yes to either or both of those options, it is probable you are face to face with an aspiring comedian.

2. While making out, does it feel like they have the lung span of an Olympic swimmer?

I wish I could tell you that the lung capacity required to yell “Can someone give me a dollllllar?” non-stop during rush-hour commuter foot traffic is somehow different from delivering a 30 minute set, but it’s really very similar. Instead your focus should be on their lips. A homeless person can probably afford chapstick. An aspiring comedian definitely cannot.

3. Do you find it hard to understand their jargon?

If they offer you some whizz, zing or toot – don’t worry, they could be homeless but definitely want to share their drugs with you. However, if the person you’re trying to sleep with says the words zip, zap, or zop – run far away, as fast as you can. They are definitely an aspiring comedian, and have spent an obscene amount of money on improv classes.

4. Have they asked you for $5 before really getting to know you?

Are they in a rush or a bind and you are conveniently positioned to offer them the help they desperately need? Do they just need enough for bus fare? A bus to a co-op? Do they need you to take the bus to the co-op with them to watch their show? Are they willing to give you the $5 if you just come fill a seat at the co-op so there is more than one person in the audience? All of the above? Congrats on bagging an aspiring comedian. Word to the wise, $5 is pretty easy to replace, but you will never get those 45 minutes of your life back.

5. Do you have concerns about their attire or hygiene?

Asking if they look like a lumberjack dressed for Chicago winter with a mustard stain down the front of their jacket doesn’t get us any closer to an answer. But if you have to consider asking them to leave their beanie on while you copulate because their hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in a week, they’re definitely an aspiring comedian.

6. Are they loud and drunk while taking public transportation?

This could honestly go both ways. See question 7.

7. Do they drink beer for reasons that are economic, aesthetic, or both?

If Bae wants to pop some more bubbly before taking things to the bedroom, and bubbly refers to another can of PBR, he/she is definitely an aspiring comedian. Not only is this beverage cheap, but it helps them maintain their “relatable” physiques.

8. Do they keep calling out to people in crowds based on their physical appearance?

If the observations are positive like “Blondie, you have nice hair” or “Hey pretty lady”, you have nothing to fear from a homeless person who is just trying to boost your self-esteem. If the comments lean more towards “Hey, you in the yellow shirt with the Asian girlfriend”, make your escape immediately. Not only is your catch an aspiring comedian, but one whose crowd work has the potential to go south very quickly.

9. Do they seem willing to fight a perfect stranger?

I’m not suggesting that homeless people or comedians are prone to violent behavior, but if you are still willing to sleep with this person, and things start to escalate quickly, all prompted by someone in the group, bar, or public location innocently commenting that they “just really weren’t a fan of Seinfeld” your aspiring comedian is about to get heated. Try to funnel that passion and frustration into the bedroom at your own risk, or just leave before you somehow get sucked into the argument that never ends…