When You Are Never The One They Choose

I’ve begun to realize that I have become nothing more than a placeholder for people to occupy their time with until they find who it is they are really looking for. I am so close to what you want, but at the same time, always so wrong. I’m good enough for right now, but you never really close yourself off to others, just in case something better catches your eye. I am the one you go to when no one else understands; the one who is always there to listen when the rest of the world has tuned you out. You come to me so broken, and I so carefully work to mend your pieces, but as soon as I get close to completing you, you always run before I can put in your final piece.

You never let me complete you. I am only your beginning, never your end. I am a great place to boost morale but not somewhere you want to build your future.

You always talk so loosely about the future with me. I patiently sit and listen as you describe a life I clearly don’t fit into; you paint your pretty little picture but you keep forgetting the most important part: me.

I spent months wishing that you would come back, and now I have learned that dreams really do come true. But sadly I see now that nightmares can, too. Just as quickly as someone can come into your life and change your world, they can also leave it. Do not ignore the feeling you get when the ends begin to unravel; hope is a beautiful thing, but denial never did anyone any favors.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be.

You should not have to spend your days sitting by the phone, wondering if today will be the day he runs again. I think you have taught me that sometimes even those of us with the best intentions can cause astronomical hurt. Running may save you from the pain right now, but eventually, you will have to stop, and once you do, I hope you realize what you’ve lost.

If the third time’s a charm, then this must be my sign that we are finally meant to be done. I wanted so badly to believe that this time would be different, but I am starting to see that we have gone right back to square one. This is the part where you realize that the distance between us may be too great, so you do what you do best: disappear. But I think that one day you will find that the distance you are so afraid of is actually one you have created all on your own. 

I will never understand what it is about me that screams “leave,” but I hope one day I learn how to silence it. I don’t want to believe the part of me that tells me I deserve all of this, but considering it is all I have ever known, it becomes harder and harder not to. I don’t know if it is my anxiety or eccentric quirks or just who I am as a person that drives everyone away, but I hope that there is someone out there who is meant for me. That to one person, everything about me tells them to stay—that in me they have finally found their home. 

If this person is you: you know where to find me. I will be somewhere between all that you have ever wanted, and everything you never said you would settle for.