Just A List Of The Variety Of Ways I’ve Disappointed Myself Lately
1. I overspent in some ways I shouldn’t have in the name of things like sushi dinners, new sweatshirts, bottles of wine, and a rug I probably could’ve gone without for a few more months. And it’s not like an, “oh shit now I can’t cover x, y, or z” but it just feels like one of those moments where I slipped back into irresponsibility. Maybe (read: it is) it’s one of those instances where I’m holding myself to a standard that is unreachable. And maybe I should give myself a break. But I’m feeling unshakably tense about it and the whole “give yourself a break” thing isn’t something I’m good at. At all.
2. Instead of cooking all of the healthy food that’s in my apartment, I ordered Dominos the other night which I know makes me feel like shit for at least a day and a half after I eat it, but I didn’t care. And sure enough, I can still feel the garlic sauce coming out of my pores. Chic.
3. I’m incredibly good at dropping people. Like scary good at it. Sure—there might be multiple names saved in my phone as “DON’T YOU DARE” but the thing is…I never really dare. Once I’ve decided to be done with someone I mentally say goodbye and then I just never speak to them again. While this has probably been insanely good for my well-being in some instances, in others I think it makes me cold. I’m trying to prove to myself that I can be a good person, that I am a good person. But my ability and inclination to just write people off aren’t selling the “good person” angle very well.
4. I still haven’t unpacked from getting back from LA. I got back over a week ago.
5. I’m holding out for something that I have no reason to believe is in any way holding out for me. I am a rational person. I do not believe in things like fate, I don’t look for hidden meanings, I think the best use of Serendipity was as the name of the pink dragon who starred in the Japanese cartoon during the 80s. I’m not a person who believes in things like multiple chances or holding onto hope or timing just happening to work out. So why am I counting down the days to Spring like there’s something absolutely worth holding out for waiting for me there? (Answer: Because I’m stupid.)
6. I’m very bad at asking for what I need. From relationships, from work, for my mental health, even just, “Hey this is broken in my apartment, will you come fix it?” Most of the time I make excuses about why something isn’t a big deal, why it can wait, how I’m overreacting. But every so often, I’m fucking wrong. I’m not overreacting, it is a big deal, and it shouldn’t have to wait. There’s something I’ve been putting off rectifying for almost two months and I’m reaching a point where I need to sack up and say, “Hey let’s take care of this, okay?” But I haven’t and I’m really mad at myself for continuing to let my own needs slide.
7. Today instead of drinking the fourth glass of water that I should have, I had a Diet Coke.
8. I used to think that I was an endless well of ideas. Which first off…lol. Yet another piece of evidence that I am capitol S Stupid. But even when my writing ideas slowed and the inspiration wasn’t always there, I felt like I had some really good ideas to tide me over until the floodgates of creativity opened back up. And I still think they’re there…but I’ve lost them a little bit. They’re foggier, messier, harder to decipher. But the most disappointing thing of all isn’t when you lose track of your ideas. It’s when you stop really wanting to find them. And that’s where I’m currently at. Feeling so overwhelmed that the prospect of finding one of those good ideas seems kind of exhausting. The thing is, I know it’s not going come to me in some magical moment and I’m all, “OMG THERE YOU ARE.” I have to do the work. It’s just finding the motivation to do the work that I’m struggling with. But I guess, there’s always tomorrow and hopefully things won’t be as foggy then.
